I have trouble with depression and anxiety. When I’m feeling not-good, I’m not that interested in sex. I’ve started taking anti-depressants, but not only are they not totally working yet, they also have some sexual side effects. My girlfriend has always been supportive and understanding about my issues, but sometimes I get the sense that she thinks I’m not attracted to her, when really it’s just that I don’t want sex when I’m depressed. What can I do to reassure her?
Well, as you are no doubt aware, depression is no funsies. It’s awesome that you found a lady who can deal with your lack of putting out at times. From what you’ve said, it sounds like she gets it. Us humanimals are a complicated breed, however, and just because someone knows something intellectually doesn’t mean they don’t still get irrationally mad about the impossible-to-change.
It seems to me like one of two things is happening. Either a) she’s horny, in which case if you can’t get it up, and/or don’t feel like fucking, you could bite the bullet and finger her or go down on her. I know, I know, if the genders were reversed people would be horrified if I told her to blow you when she didn’t want to. But you know, there’s a pretty realistic chance that you’ll have depressed periods for the rest of your life. If you guys are trying for the long term, there’s gotta be some give and take.
But ok, option b) is that even though she knows intellectually that it’s not her, it’s your brain chemicals, she still feels like you’re rejecting her come-ons because you don’t like to fuck her anymore. This is the sort of thing that endless reassurance is good for. Look, nobody can be told too often that they’re fuckable unless it’s by, like, a boss or something. And then when you’re feeling in a sex-having place, make up for it for by being doubly fuck-y.
I’m a large woman, and sometimes I feel self-conscious about my body when I’m having sex, especially when I’m on top. Generally I’m pretty confident about how I look, but for some reason this gets me. What to do?
You could do some lame-ass shit like wear a bra or only have sex missionary or keep the lights off. But seriously, I think the best solution would be to get over it. I mean, first of all, anyone you’re fucking knows what they’re getting into. It’s not like someone’s going to take your clothes off and be like “What the hell? I thought you were a size zero!” Obviously dudes want to have sex with you because they think you’re hot. You know that already. I know. There’s a big difference between knowing and really knowing.
But ok, most ladies, when they’re on top, have their titties all flopping around and their stomachs jiggling and all that. We’re humans. We move. Likely, the guy you’re with is quite interested in seeing your tits in motion. You may be surprised to learn that many men enjoy boobs, particularly ginormous ones. (Plus, whoever it is that’s spreading around the idea that men only like skinny chicks is just absolutely dead wrong and stupid besides.)
Beyond that, though, I think it’s important to realize that mostly everyone worries about nudity — if you wear clothes all the time, not wearing clothes is a weird feeling at first. My (male) friend was telling me the other day he didn’t like to fuck missionary because he thought girls were just looking at his gut wobbling, if that makes you feel better.
So just suck it up and enjoy fucking, and whenever you start to feel self-conscious, just remind yourself: duh, I’m hot and this person is lucky to be fucking me. Eventually it’ll actually sink in. I promise.