Dear Audrey,
My wife of many years just revealed to me that she's contracted an STD. She's not the type to cheat (trust me) and she seems as genuinely puzzled as I am. Is it possible to get an STD without having sex — the proverbial toilet seat, etc. — or is she just lying to me?

Heh. Well, there’s possible and then there’s probable. I mean, it depends on the STD, but I know what Dr. House would say (your wife is cheating on you). Here are some non-cheating possibilities, some more improbable than others:

Syphilis: Um, did her mom give it to her during her birth and she never got it treated? There’s such a thing as the latent stage of a syphilis infection, but... yeah, this one is pretty much sex-of-some-kind-only.

Gonorrhea: Er, again, birth canal transmission is pretty much the only non-bathing suit area-touching way to get this. I mean, if you can imagine a scenario where she touched someone’s infected genitals in a non-sexual way, then there you go. I don’t know your habits. But no toilet seat infection, I’m afraid.

Genital Warts: Again with the genital touching. But you can have warts for a long time and not have a break out — it’s possible she could have had them before you got married and just never known? Not likely, but possible.

The Herp: Similar to warts, you can have the herpes virus and never really have a flare up, so it’s definitely possible to have been infected with herpes a long time ago and never known about it. It spreads with skin-to-skin contact, so out of all the STDs, this is the most likely that she could have through some weird combination of mouth herpes spreading to genital herpes or something. I mean it’s pretty Rube Goldberg but not impossible. And the dormant thing is actually not that weird at all.

HIV/AIDS: Perhaps your wife is doing needle drugs? Or has had a blood transfusion pre-80s she didn’t tell you about?

So you know, there’s a couple that might possibly maybe could be from something else. But seriously, I think it is time to have some truthful talk with your wife and sort this out because uh, yeah. I think she’s probably cheating on you.

Dear Audrey,
What's the etiquette for having sex at someone else's house when you and your significant other are guests there? Does it depend on how long you stay?

Ha ha, yes, there is a strict protocol of days stayed somewhere and bases it is acceptable to reach. Just consult any standard Emily Post for the schedule.

To my mind, it’s fine to fuck at someone else’s house just so long as you are in a private place (i.e. if you’re on an aerobed in a hallway, wait until you know nobody is around), you don’t make a big mess, and you don’t make a lot of noise. I mean presumably your host or hostess is going to change the sheets after you leave anyway. Hopefully.

If you’re house sitting or something like that, have at it, but just be polite. Clean up after yourself, change the sheets when you leave, disinfect any countertops or food-serving surfaces your ass might have touched. Don’t use the host/hostess’s toys, don’t be loud enough to disturb their neighbors, don’t upset their kids/pets. That sort of thing. Common sense. It is acceptable to bust into your host/ess’s porn stash, but you may not make fun of it later, either to their faces or behind their backs.

And just go ahead and keep it to yourself how often and where you got it on in their apartment. Not that it’s like, a secret, but you know, everyone likes to think of their stuff as things their friends haven’t fucked on, whether or not that is actually the case.