Victory For The Forces Of Democratic Freedom!
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey,
My friend and I were talking recently about the weird stuff people say in bed that they deny later. I was with one guy who would howl, literally, like a dog, when he came. My friend got with someone who, when he was getting close, would sort of say under his breath, “bitch you’re gonna have cum shooting out your nose.” He would never call anyone “bitch” any other time. What is that? If the sex is otherwise fine, should you just pretend you didn’t hear it? Or should something like that be kind of a dealbreaker?
Eesh, the things people say—I know what you mean. I used to date a guy who, when we were being intimate, would say all this kinky stuff like “I wish I could choke you” or “I’d love to slap your face,” but when I wanted to talk about it later and maybe try out some of the things he’d mentioned, he would act like I was a big pervy weirdo and pseudo-deny that he’d brought it up. I could never tell if he was repressed or just trying to talk dirty.
Even so, I guess I come down on the side of “stuff you say under the duress of sex is privileged information,” and nobody should make fun of you for it. I think there is some kind of amnesty for what you say when you’re in the throes of passion. It’s one of the few times when you can really lose yourself in a moment and be a goofball without feeling completely ridiculous after, and that is part of the beauty and intimacy of having sex with a person. Seeing each other naked and touching privates is only the tip of the iceberg.
I certainly don’t think a person’s truest nature is revealed by orgasm, though. If anything, maybe it is your falsest self, because in some ways, enjoying sex is a highly performative act. I think most people do some amount of ecstatic mugging to make their partner feel good about themselves. It’s easy to get carried away with that and end up sounding like porn soundtrack parody.
At the same time, if anyone says anything truly questionable during sex, or even anything you can’t deal with hearing every time you are intimate, feel no remorse in getting rid of that person as a sex partner. I mean, be my guest if you’d like to talk to them about it first—and certainly, if it’s an emotionally meaningful relationship, that is a conversation worth having—but if it’s just some guy you’re fucking, why bother, right?
I think the most important thing to remember is that sex is a fundamentally ridiculous act at its core, and embracing that will lead you in the direction of much satisfaction, but also that some people are dealing with all manner of weird shit and have strange ideas of what is pleasurable or appropriate. And that if, at any time, somebody you’re sexing utters a statement that is too repugnant, silly, or existentially questionable to be borne while smooshing, just shut it down.
Life is too short to have one’s orgasm cut off at the pass by some rando grunting his ill-conceived sex catchphrase, and at the same time, too short not to grunt your ill-conceived sex catchphrase, if you want to. I suppose it’s all about compatibility.
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