What Are the Keys to Winning a Bar Fight? 

We at  The L Magazine are a peace-loving bunch, perfectly content to drink quietly in corners of bars, discussing the newest reality television shows. But there are some real douche-bags in this city, so here are some handy tips for when tempers flare.


Maurice
Where he presides:
The Abbey, Williamsburg
Favorite drink: Stoli & Soda
One: Being more sober than the person you’re fighting. Two: Actually, this one is more important than number one — make sure you know more people in the bar than the person you’re fighting. Three: Size helps. Four: Be able to run.
   
Renee
Where she presides:
Rosemary’s Tavern,Williamsburg
Favorite drink: Tom Collins
Sometimes it helps to be the drunkest one. You’d think it might be better to be more sober, but drunk you can take more of a beating and maybe finally win. You won’t feel it as much. You should make sure there are some wagers on it, too. Everything is better when you’ve got money on it. When you think about it, though, does anyone really win a bar fight?
   
Rob
Where he presides: Cheapshots, East Village
Favorite drink: Jack Daniel’s
I don’t know. We don’t really have any bar fights anymore. We just try to break them up before they start. You probably want to be a little bit sober. It’s not like it used to be though. Like over in the Village Idiot in the late 80s, early 90s, you’d have one guy on one side of the room, one guy on the other, they’d get in a fight, the bouncer would separate them, buy them each a drink and then they were good for the rest of the night.
   
Jen
Where she presides:
Bleecker Street Bar, NoHo
Favorite drink: Whatever my mood suits... Right now it’s Red Bull and also a Bloody Mary
What you want to do is this… [Ed. Jen ducks down behind the bar, grabs a pint glass, and makes to slam it down on our forehead] you want to fight dirty. Anything goes at that time of the morning — that’s no secret. You can use a pint glass, a pool cue — whatever you can find that’s nearby. The trick is to sucker punch the other guy when he’s not looking!
   
[Name Withheld]
Where she presides: Crime Scene, East Village
Favorite drink: Kettel and soda
I don’t generally get into bar fights. I take that back, I’ve never been in a bar fight. But I guess the key would be to stay more sober than whoever your fighting — that would be an advantage right there. Of course, as a bartender, I’m interested in getting everyone drunk. I guess the trick is to not get everyone so drunk they’re smashing my top-shelf vodka bottles and scaring off the other customers.
   
Angela
Where she presides:
B-Bar, East  Village
Favorite drink: A good margarita
Here is the key to winning a bar fight. You shut your damn mouth and go home before anything happens. Then, everyone’s a winner. If that doesn’t work, it helps to know the big bouncer dude. He knows how to win bar fights. That’s what they pay him for.

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