What Celebrity Grope Would You Enjoy?
by Adam BonislawskiAs was noted by all of the city’s finest tabloids, last week Christian Slater did a short stint in the cooler after a woman he allegedly drunkenly groped on the Upper East Side called the cops and had him arrested. Now, you know you’re no longer a teenage heartthrob when a random grab at a civilian lands you in handcuffs. Which brings to mind following question — what celebrities out their could grope us without fear of legal reprisals? New York City’s bartenders reveal their choices.
LAURENCE
Where he presides: Matchless, Greenpoint
Favorite drink: Vodka Gimlet
Good question. Well, should I give you a list or do you want just one name? I don’t know man. There’s got to be some beautiful woman I don’t mind groping me. Ava Gardner — I could see her doing it — like in Under the Volcano — I wouldn’t mind that [Ed. The gentleman must mean Night of the Iguana, another John Huston picture set in Mexico]. A real cougar. That was such a dark, dark movie. I want to say Donna Reed, but I don’t know if she would do it.
NYRA
Where she presides: Rodeo Bar, Murray Hill
Favorite drink: The Shipwreck
I would have to say Luke Wilson. [Upon hearing this choice Nyra’s colleague behind the bar emits a vociferous “Eww!”] My boyfriend knows I have the hots for him... Actually, you know what? I think I would mind if even Luke Wilson groped me. I think I’d mind. I think it’d be gross. And I think I’d be pissed.
JOE
Where he presides: Manitoba’s, East Village
Favorite drink: Stoli, chilled
If I had to be groped by one person? Angelina Jolie. There you have it. Really now, I can’t condone any of that. But oh, Angelina!
Jill
Where she presides: Route 85A Bar, East Village
Favorite drink: Johnnie Walker Black on the rocks
Let me think about it for a minute. [From down the bar a woman calls out “Timothy Hutton,” which our intrepid correspondent can’t help but find a touch surprising] You know — no one. I don’t care if they are a celebrity, they can’t do that. Though I probably wouldn’t press charges. I don’t know — if we had been talking and I wanted him, it’s one thing. But completely random, I don’t know.
MARIA
Where she presides: Grassroots Tavern, East Village
Favorite drink: Finlandia and Tonic
Brad Pitt. No hesitation. That scene from Thelma and Louise is what did it.
ERICA
Where she presides: Kabin, East Village
Favorite drink: Delirium Tremens beer
I mean, shit. I want to say Gary Oldman, but is that nuts? Let me think about it for a minute. [At the very least, a good minute passes]. I can’t say that I would say that for anybody actually. That’s more how I feel.
JACK
Where he presides: Sidewalk Café, East Village
Favorite drink: Never had a drop
Male or female? Being groped by a celebrity — if that happens I’m gonna call my friends. not the cops. I’ve been in love with Madeline Kahn, but she’s dead. Stockard Channing at any phase of her lifetime — she could grope me. That would be fine. As for guys — David Bowie. How could you get upset? You’d just be like, hey, you didn’t get all of me there, Dave.
