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In this week's diary of a sex-store counterwoman, Lauren Wilkinson goes back door.

I like talking about anal for two reasons. The first is because butts are funny. Yeah, I said it. My favorite conversations with customers are always ass related. Like last month, when a woman worked herself into a lather over the butt plugs.

“Who would need those?” she demanded. After I explained their function she said, “Oh! Ok. I thought it was, you know, like a regular plug. To prevent spillage.” Spillage! Friends, you haven’t lived until you’ve heard the word “spillage” uttered in the context of a sex store.

More importantly though, I like talking publicly about anal, because it’s my way of calling bullshit on societal bottom shaming. For a plethora of social and psychosexual reasons, a lot of people still consider anal taboo.

But the way I see it, yeah, I’ve had a dick in my butt. So what?

What We Talk About When We Talk About Pain
I get asked two types of questions about pain. The first is from ass-virgins who want to know if it’s going to hurt a lot. The second is from people who’ve done it, found that it did hurt a lot and want to know if it’s supposed to.

Hopefully, everyone reading this is aware of the difference between sexy-pain and painful-pain. Painful-pain is show -stopping pain, like when a guy bangs you in the cervix with his penis or if your balls get into a spicy situation when you’re switching positions.

If you don’t use lube, you’ll feel painful-pain. It’ll feel like you’re getting an Indian burn* in your ass. A silicone lube (we like System JO Anal) is generally considered your best bet for anal intercourse, because it stays slick a long time.

I think it hurts a little at first. The key is, if you’re turned on enough, it’s the kind of pain you’ll like. It’s dull pain, not tearing pain. To put it in context, I found losing my vaginal virginity (which, for me, was a tearing pain) far more painful than losing my anal one.

Assistant Manager, Brandon B., thinks it shouldn’t hurt at all. His personal philosophy is that anal should be 90% foreplay. He likes rimming, “because it feels good and relaxes you really well. Some people think it's gross. That's understandable, but silly. I haven't met anyone who’s had a tongue in their ass and not liked it.”

I rimmed someone once when I was younger, kind of by accident. I felt weird about it afterwards and that’s a feeling I still can’t quite shake. So obviously, like most sex acts, to rim or not to rim is a question of personal preference.

What’s it feel like?
To me, anal feels (as I’ve said) like pooping in reverse. Brandon thinks it feels more like, “having to poop and then pinching the loaf.” After my first time, I felt like my butt hole was stretched out and it scared the shit out of me (ha!) because I thought it was going to stay that way forever. It doesn’t.

For the top, they’ll find it’s like pushing through a packed subway car then suddenly (and surprisingly) finding themselves on a relatively vacant platform. “It’s like when I pucker my lips,” Brandon says. “My lips are tight but then there’s all this room in my mouth. And I hate that I just compared my mouth to a butt hole, but there you have it.”

Is it gross?
“If you poop or douche before hand it’s not very likely [that you’ll hit brown gold] but otherwise, if you enter the junkyard you have to expect to find at least one Doberman,” Brandon says.

If you don’t douche, one day the inevitable will happen. You can either NBD your way through the reality of a brown smear, or run screaming from the room and never see the person again. It’s up to you.

But dudes, shit happens. That’s why they coined the term.

*Is there a non-racist term for this?