What's That Smell? 

Dear Audrey,
After my lady and I are intimate, I often still have a noticeable scent, let’s say, on my fingers or mouth. Now, not that I think girls smell yucky or anything, but it’s just kinda not really that professional to come in to work smelling like sex. And yes, I wash with soap. Suggestions?

I hear you, friend. Crotch is a good smell pretty much only while you are actually in contact with a crotch — it’s not exactly what you want your co-workers to associate you with. I know you said you washed with soap, but sometimes it takes two or three washes to really get it.

Other thoughts sound increasingly like advice on how to remove pet odors, I realize, but it’s not THAT far off base: in both cases we’re talking about pheromone-y musky scents. So you could try a 50/50 vinegar/water solution, or alternately a baking soda paste. Is that weird? Yes, that is pretty weird. I’m just trying to answer the question.

Alternatively, you could try more strongly scented soaps, or just using cologne or aftershave or even drinking coffee —a stronger scent that would mask the sex smell until it fades. Although frankly, I suspect you probably smell it more strongly than any stranger would, since it is ultimately a good smell that your brain likes to detect.

In any case, as long as you are a regular shower user, I would not be overly worried. But it is true that I have known people who distinctly have smelled like fuckin’, and while I think I’m a pretty sex-positive person in general, I do not appreciate being made to think about a fellow employee doing it while I’m eating my breakfast. You know, I’m glad everyone is getting some, but come on.

And even though your question is completely legit and I know EXACTLY what you mean with the whole time and place for scents thing, maybe don’t let your girlfriend catch you scrubbing yourself down with baking soda minutes after you’ve finished your lovemaking. Or if she does, don’t tell her it was me that suggested it.

Dear Audrey,
In one of your previous issues about vice, I read a story about a young lady who got drunk and had to pee in public. It really turned me on. [Vivid description of a lady peeing redacted for all of our own good, but you can read it here.] I am a mature (and nice looking) visual artist. I'd like to meet a nice lady who'd let me watch, something like a pay per view... Is there a club like that in this big City?

Well, I think if you’re paying, it’s technically more of a peep show. Nevertheless, and I hope this doesn’t make you all lose faith in me, but I don’t really know that much about the peep show OR the sex club scene. I like sex, but I'm not one of those "try everything once and write all about it" sex columnists. Sorry.

Anyway, I know when to ask for help, so that’s something. Readers: anybody got a clue where the pee party is at? Any help for this artistic gentleman would be appreciated: he is mature and nice-looking.

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