When Sex Fantasy Goes too Far? 

Audrey Ference

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Dear Audrey,
As part of some relationship counseling we're doing, my wife and I had a really long, honest conversation about sex. We've been together a while and have a fine but slightly boring sex life. So we each made a list of sexual fantasies and discussed them. Some of them are pretty easy to fulfill and so we have, and it's been great. Some of them, though, are a little tougher, like a rape fantasy for her and a cuckolding fantasy for me. I guess I'm worried that some of these should stay in the realm of fantasy—I don't want to do anything that will damage our relationship. How do we figure out what to try and what to just continue fantasizing about?

That's a toughie. As I'm sure you know, you and your wife are the only ones who can make those decisions. It sounds like you're being pretty thoughtful about the way you're going about things. I'd suggest talking more about what exactly you would want to have happen if you fulfilled either of these fantasies. For the rape fantasy, you could read some rape porn and pinpoint what you and she find hot, imagine what it would feel like to do that stuff. You will want to play with a safe word, so if something gets too intense, it will be very easy to stop it. I think there is a way to build up to a more intense rape scene from something more familiar. Start small, with words and role-play, and build up to the more physical stuff. Make sure to debrief afterward and figure out what you both liked and disliked about the sex you just had.

Oh and also, kind of duh but it should probably be said: you obviously both have veto power over all of these scenarios. So like, if she's into the rape role-play but you don't feel comfortable with it, that's totally ok and she'll have to respect it. It's great that you guys are exploring new areas, but you're right, sometimes some fantasies are more pleasurable to keep in your imagination than to actually fulfill.

The cuckolding fantasy seems to me a bit more complicated. Now you're getting another person involved. I would suggest you find some people who have done it and are into it, and talk to them about their experiences. Watch some cuckolding porn, imagine how you would feel if it were happening to you. Talk through the various boundaries for each of you if you were to go through with it. In the end, you can never know how you'll feel about something until after you've done it, but with lots of communication and some research, I think you can get a pretty good idea.

If you think you'd be into it, find a dude on Craigslist that you're both into and meet with the guy. Seeing him in person will help make it more "real" for both of you. If you're both still feeling it, then just go for it! If either of you feel uncomfortable at any point, just call it off.

I think you guys are really going about this the right way, and it sounds like you'll be able to figure out what will make you happy. Maybe speak with your therapist about some of your concerns; he or she might have some good input. Use your noggin and you'll be fine. Good luck with the cuckolding.

For Questions or Comments, The Natural Redhead can be reached at sex@thelmagazine.com

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