When the Body Revolts 

Dear Audrey,
I'm pretty new to all of this, and I find that I basically get TONS of boners at really awkward times, like especially around girls and when I have to be in front of people in some way, and I can totally feel people looking at it and it's so embarrassing. Is there any way to have less of this?

Well, I admit that I have fairly large lacunae in my person experience in terms of dealing with Embarrassing Dude Biological Issues, so I asked a friend if he would be willing to share any boner wisdom. He says:

"In high school I had a friend who claimed that if he had an inappropriately timed boner he could stand at the urinal and jerk off in the same amount of time it took him to make a pee. This leads to one solution for the unwanted boner: The more you jerk off, the less you will have unexpected erections. But if you're in a situation where that isn't feasible try to distract yourself. Do some math. Calculate the square root of whatever. Try to list as many Green Lanterns and their homeworlds as possible. Deep breaths. Om. Oomm. Ooommm. Or just enjoy your body's natural ability to produce a boner by saying hello to it. Namaste, boner."

So, uh, yeah, I don't know if that helps. I have also heard people say you should pinch the inside of your thigh. But I think also, this might be the sort of thing to take the long view on. This too shall pass, etc.

Dear Audrey,
Lately I've been really dry downstairs, even when I'm excited. Is there anything I can do to fix that? I mean, my boyfriend and I are using lots of lube so it's fine, but I just wonder why?

Did you recently start any new medications? Like maybe a seasonal allergy something or other? Anything that has a possible side effect of dry mouth can make your everywhere drier. Also maybe if you're dehydrated, that could affect things.

If it's not either of those things, who knows? If there's nothing else that's changed then I wouldn't sweat it. Perhaps this is your body's subconscious request for more oral, like how when people are anemic they crave red meat, only for head. I know someone who used to think she could female ejaculate but only when someone was eating her out, because she was always so much wetter afterward, until someone pointed out that she was perhaps discounting the fluid provided by spit. Science!

Dear Audrey,
My girlfriend has recently told me she would like to act out some of her rape/non-consensual sex fantasies. I am ok with this in theory, but I am a big guy and worried I'll hurt her or that it will actually not be okay with one of us and make things weird afterward. How do I do this right?

Safe word. Safe word safe word safe word. Also, maybe at first you two should sit down and say step-by-step what is going to happen. I know that seems like it would ruin the spontaneity of things, but I think a script might help both of you to be more comfortable, until you're both sure what the boundaries are. It is more than ok to be freaked out by fake raping someone. Take it slow and don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to.

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