Who Deserves Custody: Britney or K-fed? 

He’s a ninth-grade dropout turned backup dancer turned failed pop star. She’s a dimwit former Mouseketeer turned successful pop star turned failed pop star. Together, they bred. Twice! Now, he dabbles in professional wrestling stunts, while she experiments with naked house-cleaning and drug abuse. Who’ll get to raise the spawn? 

Where she presides:
Mark Bar, Greenpoint
Favorite drink: Doesn’t drink
I would give it to Kevin Federline. I think, probably, if Britney knew what was going on, she would choose Kevin, too.
Where she presides:
Blind Pig, East Village
Favorite drink: Washington Apple (Crown Royal, Apple Pucker, cranberry juice)
I’m a diehard Britney fan. I’m going to stick with her to the end.
Where she presides:
Le Zie, Chelsea
Favorite drink: Watermelon lemonade
Definitely Britney... I don’t think she’s as bad as the press makes her out to be. Not that I’m a fan or anything. Just so you know!

Where he presides:
Crocodile Lounge, East Village
Favorite drink: Maker’s Mark
Ah, Jesus, that’s  really a tough one. Well, I’m going to have to say Kevin Federline, I guess. Because Britney Spears is just a waste of flesh. Which I guess would make the baby half a waste of flesh. Actually, you know what — neither of them should have custody. They should give me the baby and I’ll sell it on eBay.
Where he presides:
Iggy’s, LES
Favorite drink: Maker’s Mark
I don’t know much about those idiots. I live on the Lower East Side, man. No one cares about that here. Fuck ‘em. [But think of the children! exhorts our intrepid correspondent] Whatever. Natural selection.
Where she presides:
Flight 151, Chelsea
Favorite drink: Captain and soda
I think Federline should get custody. I read today she’s walking around naked with the kids and doing drugs? She’s emotionally unstable, not fit to be a mother. She’s had her chance right? Time to let him try to be the better grownup.


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