Who is the Worst Actor of All Time?
by Adam BonislawskiFor us, it’s Laura Linney. That whiney, simpering, earnest, wide-eyed credulous mousey, ‘I’d-like-to-castrate-you-and-make-you do-a-lifetime-of-vacuuming’ schtick of hers ruins every movie it touches. Love Actually might actually have made it to our home video collection in the frat house had it not been for the old Laura Downer song and dance. Why is this woman still working in film? Hallmark Hall of Fame on the Tee Vee Sunday nights was made for her.
STEVE
Where he presides: Turkey’s Nest Tavern, Williamsburg
Favorite drink: Corona or Grey Goose
Wow. That’s a tough one. Worst actor of all time... Let me think about this for a second. How about Demi Moore in that stripper movie. That was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. What was that called? Stripper something. Yeah — I’ll go with that. Demi Moore in that one.
ADAM AND RAY
Where they preside: The Fix, Williamsburg
Favorite drink: White Russian and Maker’s straight
I don’t know. Ray, what do you think, man. [Ray: I’m thinking, that’s a tough one.] Yeah, give me a minute. I think Harmony Korine is a dickbag, and he has acted before. [Ray: interesting] I just don’t like his films. Just personal preference. [Ray: He was in a really good band with my friend, called Sob Song. All their releases were like on answering machine mini-cassettes]
DANA
Where she presides: The Waverly, Greenwich Village
Favorite drink: I don’t drink.
Renée Zellweger… I just don’t like her. I think she’s terribly annoying. Which movie of hers do I like least? Bridget Jones’ Diary — what else did you think it would be?
JACQUELYN
Where she presides: Belgian Beer Bar, Greenwich Village
Favorite drink: Leffe Brown
I can’t stand Scarlett Johansson. I think she’s the most lifeless, emotionless, rock of a human being ever to be shown on a movie screen. And ‘just because she has big lips’ doesn’t cut it. Everyone loved Lost in Translation, but what they don’t know is that’s how she is all the time. Sallow. Lethargic.
BRAD
Where he presides: Shade Bar, Greenwich Village
Favorite drink: Jameson’s
I can’t stand Angelina Jolie. I hate her fake English accent and her, her… (Can you print this?) asshole lips. Good, print that. I don’t thinks she’s as hot as everyone says she is, and she really bugs me. Yes, it comes down to that stupid accent and those puckery, wrinkly lips.
SABRINA AND JOE
Where they preside: V-Bar, Greenwich Village
Favorite drink: Whiskey with a Coke chaser and gin, respectively…
Sabrina: Nicolas Cage. I fucking hate him. [Imitating Cage] ‘If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s inconsistency.’
Yeah Nick. Whatever. Joe: Russell Crowe… he plays the same character over and over and gets praise to the stars for it. Basically he’s just the bruiser that very predictably explodes. Wow, if he reads this, he’ll probably come beat me up.
TARA
Where she presides: Kabin, East Village
Favorite drink: Basil Hayden’s on ice
I can’t get Keanu Reeves out of my head. But I don’t think he’s the worst ever — he’s just pretty bad. There are TV shows I can’t watch because the acting is so bad. [Someone down the bar yells Steven Seagal] Oooh, that’s a good one. Steven Seagal is a good one. Pamela Anderson. Anna Nicole Smith… does she act? Tara Reid — that’s another good one. And then there’s Melanie Griffith, but she’s more just annoying than bad. Oh, wait! Ben Affleck! Ben Affleck!
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