Why Don't We Do it In the Road
by Audrey Ference
Dear Audrey, Every time I swallow my boyfriend's cum, I get an upset stomach. Not throwing up or anything, but I just get kind of queasy and it ruins my good time. What's going on? How can I prevent this?
That is the feeling of your boyfriend's sperm making a baby in your stomach that will someday grow into a watermelon tree filled with maraschino cherries that stays in your colon for seven years. Wait, actually, I think maybe that's something else. Could it be mental, though? Not to be like "it's all in your head," but cultural taboos around bodily fluids are pretty strong. Or I know when I expect something to make me nauseous it usually does. Maybe it is a conditioned response—like one time you got queasy for unrelated reasons and now whenever you swallow you psych yourself into feeling sick?
Or maybe don't suck dick on an empty stomach or a too-full stomach? It is definitely possible to be allergic to semen, though I think it's pretty rare. People with semen allergies will react negatively to all kinds of semen contact, though, on the skin as well as in the stomach. If you often get red or itchy after contact with jizz, then maybe you have a semen allergy. You should talk to your doctor about it. I'm not sure if all allergists do sperm allergy treatments, but certainly there's someone out there who can help you. I know it can make it difficult to get pregnant, if you're a woman, which depending on your outlook is either a good or a bad thing. In the short term, the obvious solution seems to be don't swallow.
Dear Audrey, I lived for a long time on the West Coast, and my absolute #1 most favorite thing, sex-wise, is road head. I love to give it, I love to get it. There's just nothing exactly like that thrill of knowing that you have to keep control of a vehicle but wanting to concentrate on sex. I know it's unsafe blah blah but I am just addicted to it. So now I live in New York and I don't have a car. I've tried a bunch of stuff to replicate the feeling—cab sex, sex in public places, bar bathroom sex, but nothing quite measures up. Any suggestions?
Um, Zipcar? I do feel like I should wag my finger at you, even though it sounds like you won't listen. It's one thing to take risks sexually that could hurt you, because you've weighed the risks and rewards and made the decision for yourself. Doing something that could hurt (or kill!) some other unconsenting person is not ok, however much it gives you a boner. Maybe I've been carless too long, but those things are fucking death machines.
But anyway, if you insist, it seems like your options are buying a car, renting a car, or getting a job driving buses for the MTA (kidding!). I'm not sure how you could make road head work on a bicycle, but feel free to try. It sounds like you're getting off on being risky, and that control is a big part of it. Maybe you could explore some power or dominance play?
I would urge you to keep looking for something that replaces road head for you. Not only is parking a bitch in the city, it's shitty to value your orgasm more than some pedestrian's life.
