Birds do it. Bees do it. Even really drunk New Yorkers do it. It’s true, on any given night in this city one can find couples (be they long-term or simply circumstantial) snogging up a storm with total lack of discretion. But occasionally, things get even steamier than you’d think.
Where he presides: Grand Saloon, Gramercy
Favorite drink: Southern Comfort
I caught someone giving head in a booth one night. The front booth over there. I just went back there and the girl was giving the guy some sloppy-ass head. And you don’t really know what to do. They aren’t just making out — they’re getting their groove on. So, I’m like, dude, c’mon. And he tries to blame it on her. He’s like, ‘she started it!’
Where he presides: Josephs, Midtown
Favorite drink: Gin and tonic
This guy comes in with a woman. I can tell he’s a blowhard straight away because he’s talking on the phone and ordering his drink at the same time. I hate that. After awhile, they start making out. I tell them to stop. And they do, but the guy starts to “whisper” insulting things about me so that I can hear it. I was like, ‘Hey, I’m here [pal.]’ He had to go.
Where he presides: Channel 4, Midtown
Favorite drink: Bud Light
A guy and his girl come in for lunch and stay for a long, long time. They keep drinking round after round. And towards the end they start making out... sloppily. I tell them three or four times to cut it out. Not appropriate stuff for the end of the bar in the afternoon, you know? Or at least not for me. They don’t listen to me at all. Finally I get so fed up, I give them both a good squirt out of the water gun! Yes! That got their attention. I was fed up. Fortunately, they both took it pretty well. Yeah, they actually tipped me.
Where she presides: Rodeo Bar, Murray Hill
Favorite Drink: Bourbon, straight up
I’ve seen people actually having sex at the bar. At the bar in the other room you stand up a little above the customers, so you can really see them when you’re looking down, but this girl was wearing a skirt and sitting on his lap and they were having sex. We told them to stop and they said, ‘just one more minute.’ And what can we do? We just start laughing. It’s not like we’re going to go over there and pull them apart like stray dogs.
Where she presides: Hairy Monk, Murray Hill
Favorite Drink: Hoegaarden
Well, there are always people having sex in the bathroom, but that’s not really a good story... [asks a patron at the bar if she has any good bar makeout stories — and, happily enough, she does. It goes like this:] I was in a bar with my best friend and there was this very cute older guy dancing next to me and my friend bet me that I wouldn’t hook up with him. So, I said to him, ‘Too bad I don’t have any singles’ (joking that he was dancing like a stripper), and he turned around and said, ‘I take credit cards down my asscrack.’ We ended up hooking up... for a few months. It turned out he was a Russian millionaire who just happened to be partying in New York.
Where he presides: Heartland Brewery, Midtown
Favorite drink: Shot of tequila
I was working back home in California in the small town I’m from — at a real dark, dingy mom-and-pop bar. You know the type of place. This was several years ago. A woman comes up to the bar to order a drink, and I notice it’s my best friend’s mom. ‘What is she doing here?’ I’m thinking. Well, she goes back to a booth, and gets snookered, and I can tell she’s making out with someone back there who’s not my best friend’s dad. Well, I think they both forget I’m there, because he comes up to order a drink. And... it’s... another one of my friends! Wow. He took it pretty hard from us for a long time for that one.