You Think You’re So Schön, Don’t You? 

(An Open Letter to Germany, from the USA)

Look, Germany, I have to talk to you. After all, we’re sort of close now — not BFF or anything but, like, if I were marrying England in a mid-sized June wedding at Tavern on the Green, we’d totally send your invite out in the second batch. Well, third, honestly, but still, you’d be way above Croatia. And we wouldn’t take it personally if you only got us one Hammacher Schlemmer fiber-optic Christmas tree and not the matching His ‘n’ Hers we registered for.

Alls I’m saying is: Germany, we’re down, and so I feel I owe it to you as a friend to let you know some of the things the other countries have been saying behind your back. Canada told me to mind my own business and quit being such a gossip, but if I were you, I would totally want to know. So listen. I don’t want to rat on anyone specifically, but a teensy nation to your north who rhymes with “Squelgium” may or may not have called you a “gaylord,” and I could swear I caught a certain anonymous place that sounds like “The Squetherlands” calling you a “total milquetoast.” And Spain — I mean, erm, a big conglomerate of tapas-munching bullfighters that rhymes with “Squain”— well, they called you “total douches” — and they stressed that they meant that “in the American sense, as in ‘a gross bag you clean dirty vaginas with,’ and not in the German sense, as in ‘shower,’ so they shouldn’t take it as some sort of compliment.” I didn’t say it would be pretty, Germany. I’m only telling you because I care. Consider this an intervention.

See, ever since you failed to elect a Chancellor, the eyes of the world have been upon you (incredulously, incredulously upon you, even though elections are boring, and Chancellors are boring, and failing to elect a Chancellor is the most boringest of all). And then for some reason — and I didn’t originate these indelicate terms, but I heard Canada doing it, after they told me not to be a gossip in their doofy little accent — you decided to fix your lack-of-Chancellor problem by concocting a “grand coalition” between the Social Democrats and the Christian Democrats, even though one party thinks every German citizen should get paid a billion Euro a year for being born German and then taking an endless string of five-week vacations in Australia, and the other one thinks everyone should pray to BMW and fuck off.

It’s all “compromise” with you guys. One party’s in charge of the trains and stuff, and the other gets to be in charge of babies or whatever. The CDs get the schools, but the SDs are in charge of wars. At every step, someone from the one side will have to, like, agree with someone from an opposing side!!! And then, you have all these other parties in there, too — the Hippies (all right, fine, “Greens,” but I’ll have you know that Guatemala called you “Hippies”), the Ost-algic East-German Commies — I don’t know how many parties you have, but it’s way more than two and that’s just weird. It’s almost like you’re employing some sort of bullshit system of... yeesh, I don’t even know what to call it, “checks and balances” I guess. And I have to say, it’s making you look kind of wussy. You’re supposed to be the EU’s mighty powerhouse of Macht, and Kraft, and Kraftvolle Macht. And the best you can do is kind of “vote” in Angela Merkel, some Thatcher-lite schoolmarm — and then not even really let her be in total, unchecked, unmitigated charge. What kind of leader is that?

What kind of example are you setting, Germany? How do you expect to get anything done with all this “compromise” and a total dearth of ideological, one-party imperialism?!?!? It was China that called you “a bunch of Wurst-bloated pussies,” but I echo the sentiment. I echo it, Germany, but only because I care.

Love, the United States of America


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