A Fugly’s Guide to Ogling

07/05/2006 12:00 AM |

This being the Sex Issue and all, I’d like to give you advice about the best places to go to meet comely strangers and sleep with them. Unfortunately, I’m a boozy, unattractive troll so I have absolutely no idea what they are. If you’re either cute or charming, I’d assume you could walk in pretty much anywhere post-2am and do well for yourself. If you’re neither cute nor charming, I guess you should just skulk around creepily until you find someone drunk enough not to notice your deficiencies but not so drunk that they’ll throw up on your genitals.

I personally find it much easier to frequent establishments with attractive waitstaff, make them bring me drinks, and then go home and cry myself to sleep. Now obviously, nearly all waitpeople and bartenders are attractive to some degree — fugly people don’t move that liquor. But some of the staff at some places is cute above and beyond your average bellyshirted sorority chick or scruffly indie-rock dude.

Employees Only, for example. Since it’s one of those dumbass hidden entrance bars trying to cash in on the “faux speakeasy” trend, I was expecting tall, skinny, bitchy girls wearing all black. Not so! Everyone I saw was adorably cute, vintage-y without being cloying, and not bitchy in the slightest. Imagine a beauty pageant being held at FIT, only less lame. On a side note, I was reluctant to try this place because I fucking hate all that secret door nonsense, but it’s worth the rigmarole. They do a good job with all those guava puree honey-infusion drinks, if that’s your thing, but more importantly, their normal person drinks are large and perfectly mixed.

If that’s a little high concept, why not just say fuck it and go to an all-out strip joint? Privilege is surprisingly not skeevy at all. The clientele is split about 50-50 gender-wise, they have nice cushy chairs for lap dances, and there’s no bullshit depressing steak “buffet” or sad old fat guys drinking themselves to death. The ladies are very lovely, and I understand that drinks are two-for-one during happy hour, which brings the average price of beer down to a very reasonable $1,000 per.

So there you go, you pathetic losers. Two alternatives to actually getting laid. It ain’t glamorous, but it’s better than someone booting on your junk.

Employees Only  510 Hudson St.
Privilege  565  W 23rd St.