The Rules of the Game

01/02/2008 12:00 AM |

Dear Audrey,
Lately, I’ve been really enjoying slutting it up. Since I mostly find guys at bars, I end up sleeping with a lot of complete idiots with dumb pick-up styles just because they happen to be cute. Do I have a moral obligation to stop encouraging these doofuses?

Nope, not if you can stomach fucking them. I mean whatever, it’s your parts. In a way, you taking a cornball neanderthal off the market for one night does everyone else in the world a favor. Not like those dudes are going to change anyway. When I was home for Thanksgiving, one of my friend’s drunk friends brought over this guy she’d found that I got stuck talking to. He was cute-ish, but wearing this newsboy cap and scarf inside the bar, which was not cold at all, and kept kind of touching and talking about the scarf.
I finally realized that he was one of those Mystery “The Game” guys and the scarf was his flair or whatever. When I asked if he watched that show he got all defensive and called me a lesbian. True story! Oh, but so the moral is that I think my friend went home with him and good for her, because that guy wasn’t ever going to not be a dipshit, so she might as well get laid. WHO WINS “THE GAME” NOW, MYSTERY?!

Dear Audrey,
Semantic question: what qualifies as a “time” of having sex? Like when you hear someone say, “We did it three times that night,” what does that mean? Both partners came three times? The man only (if there was a man? and if not, what then?)? Something else? I’m trying to break my friend’s per diem record but we have to have a firm set of rules in place.

Well, reader, normally I’d say look into your heart and you’ll know how many times you did it in a given day, but since we’re talking about contest rules, that complicates things. On the one hand, I’d say that in a series of lovemaking sessions with interstitial rest periods where one or more partners gets up to pee, showers, reads a book or talks about something non-sexy, each session counts as “a sex.” But if you’re really trying for the record, you could manipulate this rule to allow for an insane number of times per day.
So, given that, I’m going to say that my official ruling (for tournament play only) is that you are having sex a separate time every time you do one of the following:
1) Change venues.
2) Change partners.
3) One of the partners has an orgasm or series of orgasms; multiple female orgasms that are clearly connected only count once.
4) Have a snack.
5) Take a break exceeding 30 minutes.
6) Poop (not in a sex-related way).
I hope that helps. I’m not sure what the world record is, but the most I’ve ever personally heard of is 20 in a 24-hour period. Good luck.

Dear Audrey,
I’ve always had this fantasy that involves pretty elaborate costumes. I won’t go into details, but it would involve renting my boyfriend something from the costume store. He worries that the process of fucking will stain the suit and we’ll lose our deposit. I’d really like to try this. Ideas?

Whatever the costume, I can’t imagine you’d be the first people to get it all covered in sex juice. Just take it to whatever dry cleaner you take your normal jizzed-on pants to — I’m sure they can clean it up, or at least return it to the state you got it in. Um, I guess you could try some kind of drop cloth or plastic sheeting if you’re, like, messy messy. Just don’t gunk up the inside of any mascot heads, because those poor people have it bad enough. Oh and happy New Year, everybody!