Sex Advice From a Goose: Do As I Say and Do Me

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07/21/2008 9:00 AM |

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
My husband and I were high school sweethearts who practiced abstinence until we got married, which is something I highly recommend to any woman out there.?But I never understood the "wow factor" until after a few shots and a triple dare at my best friend’s bachelorette party.? I woke up with a complete stranger and had learned the meaning of WOW.? Since then I have had a few other liaisons and have come to realize that some men really know how to pleasure a woman in bed. I want my husband to be one of them.?When and where do men learn this??Are there any classes out there you can recommend??

You ask where and when men learn to pleasure a woman in bed. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I learned to pleasure a woman in bed on August 19th, 1997, at about 4:30pm, underneath the dock of the Staten Island Ferry.

What happened was, my friend Donnie and I had been flying around all day, circling, letting the tourists take our pictures, and sneaking in to slurp up spilled beer wherever we could. At about three o’clock, already with a pretty good buzz on, we found a sandwich that somebody had dropped, it’d been soaking in a puddle of Foster’s for a while. We were pretty young then, and also we are geese, so we were fucking hammered by the time we got back to Donnie’s. We were sort of lolling around on the water, and Donnie’s older sister Serene was around, she was home from college, and she was just shaking her beak at us, and beating her wings really loud whenever we floated too close to the boat.

And then Donnie went off to puke behind a buoy, and Serene looked at me
with those beady eyes of hers, and was like, “Ok, Gary, come here.” And
I was really focused on the boat, there was this kid who was leaning
over the side eating a Fruit Roll-Up, and I was sure he was going to
drop it, and so I was like, “wha, Serene, hold on, I’m really hungry”,
and she just squawked at me, “No, I mean, Gary, come here.” And
I was like, uhhh, ok, Serene, what?” And then she turned around and
stuck her rump up in the air and parted her tail feathers, and bent her
neck around to look at me, and said, “I always thought you were cute.”

I’ve never told Donnie about this. He thinks I lost my virginity to a Canada Black during my year as an exchange student.

Dear Audrey Gary,
When directing someone in the bedroom, what’s the line between sexy and bossy?

Generally even commands have a sense of urgency to them, which is sexy,
so I’d say as long as you avoid making angry honking sounds you’re
probably ok.