Sex Advice From a Goose: Love Thy Neighbor’s Moans

by |
07/08/2008 11:00 AM |

Welcome to a new feature here at, in which Gary, The L Magazine’s wooden goose, offers his own take on the questions tackled each week by Audrey Ference in The Natural Redhead, The L’s sex advice column. Let’s see what Gary has to say about the questions in the July 2 issue!

Dear Audrey,
My wife and I live in an apartment in Brooklyn. About a year ago, the guy next door started dating a screamer — sometimes a moaner, but mostly a screamer. One would think that this was a bad thing, yet when they started going at it, my wife would become crazy horny and their bedroom frequency would be my bedroom frequency. Last month our neighbors moved out, and I’ve gone from sex prince to sex pauper. I never thought that my wife was a closet "audible voyeur." Other than getting my real estate license and screening the people who move in, how can I help get her freak back on (and mine too)?

Obviously the answer to this question, as to so many others, is “porn”, but let’s focus for a minute on “sex prince to sex pauper.” First of all, referring to yourself a “sex prince”, even in the service of a clever, flourish-y literary allusion, is kind of a turn-off, I would think. Say “I am sex prince”, out loud, now. Unless you have a comical European accent and the thighs of an Olympic sprinter, I am really not wanting the sex with you now that you’ve said that, because you sound kind of silly and maybe arrogant and I worry that you might try to incorporate costumes, or have mirrors on your ceiling. “Sex pauper”, meanwhile, conjures up many bad images of third world depravity.

Also, using clever, flourish-y literary allusions to describe your sex life kind of makes me think that you have never had sex.

And, of course, in the alluded-to literary work, Mark Twain’s The
Prince and the Pauper, a young dauphin switches places with his urchin
doppelganger, to comic and allegorical results. I’m not sure what this
has to do with your sex life… unless… do you have a twin brother?
Your wife is fucking him. Sorry you had to hear it from me.

Dear Audrey,
I’m 22, a virgin in New York, and terrified at the idea of having sex.
It’s more of an intimacy issue, I think, but my skin keeps me from even
attempting to get involved with anyone. The psoriasis isn’t noticeable
on my face, but it does flare everywhere underneath my clothes and this
prevents me from taking them off in front of anyone. So, the idea of
having to do that with a girl really scares me. What can I do, because
I’ve heard this intimacy thing is pretty nice?

I’m definitely saying this with the intended meaning of “you are not
alone in this”, rather than “if I knew more about HTML I would insert a
jpeg of the world’s smallest violin here”, but, seriously, “I’m a
virgin and terrified at the idea of having sex” is a pretty universal
sentiment, because sex is terrifying. Weird noises, strange and
unfamiliar body parts everywhere, performance anxiety, the people
taking pictures and/or throwing bread crumbs at you while you’re doing
it… Your anxiety is, in no small part, I promise, the same anxiety
that is triumphed over by many, many other people.

Also, I know that the getting to have sex is a big deal for you and a
much-anticipated event, but, be forewarned, again for the sake of being
realistic about your situation’s relative compatibility with most other
situations, and the gradualness with which your worries will be
alleviated: the sex, it will not be very good at first. It never is.

One Comment