Sex Advice From a Goose: Biology Is Destiny

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08/25/2008 1:09 PM |

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I read your column from a while ago about sex during your period. I’d always been told that since the cervix is dilated during menstruation, you shouldn’t have sex because you’re at a greater risk of getting an infection. Is that true?

Well, being a goose, this isn’t really something I have much experience dealing with. Maybe ask a human sex advice columnist next time.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I know all about "size doesn’t matter," blah blah blah. But as a guy, I’m a little intimidated by the sizes of most dildos for sale out there. Not that I’m in the market, mind you. However, I’m now thinking that dildo-length probably has something to do with the fact that you ladies have to grab the bottom part of it, and so you need a bunch of gripping space for your hand. Is that true? Or wishful thinking?

I am only a humble goose, sir, and also I am made out of wood and am not technically a sentient life form, so take my opinion merely for what it is worth and no more, but “not that I’m in the market, mind you” sounds to me like one who doth, as they say, protest too much.

Also, more to the point, I studied for several years at the London School of Economics and can say that, in a market as saturated as the dildo market is, every brand must do something to stand out, and so the more venerable, “mom and pop” makers of merely average-sized, quality, utilitarian dildos have been unable to sustain a market share necessary for their operations, in the face of so much buyer choice.