Sex Advice from a Goose: In Search of the El Dorado Hole

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09/29/2008 9:00 AM |

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I was having drinks with a gay couple (friends) last night. During our conversation I was enlightened to find out that many gay men do not engage in penetration (anal sex). Before the topic could be expanded on, a few more friends showed up and the conversation changed. Audrey, I know that you are not a gay male, yet you have your sources. If there is no penetration, is there something more than hand-jobs and blowjobs? Are the heterosexuals missing out on something? Moreover, if we are, is it something my girlfriend can learn to do?

I cannot speak for humans, sir, as I cannot communicate with them except by the admittedly imprecise method of honking and busily flapping my wings, but I asked several of my closest gay goose friends and they were all like, yes, of course, during the coming-out process, once a gay goose’s commitment to the lifestyle has been ascertained to their satisfaction, the Gay Goose Mafia takes you aside and performs a surgery on you so that you have an extra hole that only gay people have, no of course not you idiot it’s pretty much just the one although sometimes there is dry-humping because no one really ever outgrows that and the permutations are all but endless.

Dear Audrey Gary,
My friend cheats on his girlfriend basically all the time. He says he only gets blowjobs from other girls, so it’s not wrong that he still has unprotected sex with her, since he claims men can’t get diseases from a blowjob. Normally I’d just let him be an idiot (I don’t really know his girlfriend at all) but it sucks to think he could give her an STD. Should I say something to her?

If you were to tell your friend’s girlfriend, she would likely confront him, and he would likely hear that it came from you, and he would likely be upset with you and admonish you by saying, in all likelihood, “bros before hos.” Now, ask yourself if the kind of person who would say “bros before hos,” and mean it, is the kind of person who even deserves to receive oral sex from another human, let alone as a pleasant sideline to an actual relationship. I think it is clear how you should proceed here.