Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.
Dear Audrey Gary,
A couple weekends ago, I had sex with my mom’s close friend. I am a lady and so is she. She’s married but sort of out — she’s had affairs with women that people who know her know about. I was drunk at the time, and I enjoyed it, whatever, but I’d pretty much prefer it if my mom didn’t find out. It would just make things weird in their circle, especially since my brother knows this woman’s son. Anyway, I do get myself into situations like this on occasion, and I wondered if you had any general advice about how to tell someone not to tell anyone that you fucked them without being a dick about it?
Dear lady, who among us has not experienced an experience best summed up with “I was drunk at the time, and I enjoyed it, whatever, but I’d pretty much prefer it if my mom didn’t find out”? Let your vague, unapologetic, embarrassed freak flag fly.
Dear Audrey Gary,
At my college, most random hookups involved being really drunk. Now that I’m out of school and have a job, it’s not like I can go get trashed all the time — also, I worry that I’m more likely to make unsafe decisions when bombed, now that I’m not on campus around people I know. I’m young and free and want to fuck a bunch of people, but unless I’m drunk I feel shy about being as sexually forward as I’d like. Help!
Although I would dispute the notion “now that I’m out of school and have a job, it’s not like I can go get trashed all the time,” unless by chance you are a school bus driver or anesthesiologist or what the fuck ever, I do admire, sir or madam, your desire for responsible promiscuity. And I sympathize with your plight: I find it very difficult to do many things — challenge a tourist for her bag of potato chips; talk to my father — without getting drunk first. The key, I think, is to be extremely attractive, and people will just naturally want to sex you up and down, lots.