Sex Advice from a Goose: Fresh Meat, Big Meat

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10/20/2008 9:00 AM |

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
A while ago I dated a man ten years my senior. In the beginning we got along great; it was fun, it was almost fantastic. After a while, however, it ended in aches and pains for my poor heart. I’m over it now. Mind you, I am a young gun in my twenties, so I guess I was a little naive and innocent, and my guard was kept low. But after having some time now to get my heart and mind back into objective mode, emotion-free, to this day I can’t really help but wonder if I was taken for a cheap fresh-meat thrill ride by this man? So I guess my real question regards dating outside your age group — the popular opinions, the actual statistics, what is the consensus and/or are men really just after our goodies with young ladies? Or could a relationship with an age gap actually be sustained?

Frankly, ma’am, if a generation gap-spanning marriage between a skirt-chasing lizard king who remarried for money and a mantislike ice queen trollopcunt with daddy issues is still happy after all these years of absentee parenthood and prescription drug addiction, I can’t really see how any relationship is fundamentally unsustainable.

Dear Audrey Gary,
How long is the longest penis ever? Just out of curiosity…

I assume you mean “the longest human penis ever,” but I will answer the question I have been asked, and say that it’s likely that the longest penis ever belonged to a blue whale, and likely measured somewhere above eight feet long, when aroused, so stay the fuck away in my opinion.

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