Sex Advice From a Goose: The Crying of Lot 69

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10/13/2008 9:00 AM |

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
So I have sex with my wife, right? Most of the time it’s great. However, there are times when I’ll be finished, and I have a feeling that she hasn’t quite gotten there yet. I’ll ask her if she wants me to help her climax, or flat out keep trying to get her to come, but she’ll say in her cute little way, "I’m good." I’ve asked her how can she be "good" if she doesn’t have an orgasm, but she has repeatedly told me that women get little "spasms" and it’s sufficiently satisfying for her. I want to believe her, but am a little suspicious. Audrey, is she bullshitting me?

Dear sir, as a member of a species that does not have sex for pleasure, I find your concern for the reproductively superfluous female climax somewhat baffling. So my question to you is: how can you be “good” if you are not fulfilling your biological imperative and ensuring the continuance of your very species? Sir, I am ashamed of you, you frivolous, selfish non-breeder. Slut! Slut! Slut!

Dear Audrey Gary,
My girlfriend told me that she was falling for a guy from work. She wants to take a break, but leave the door open for us to get back together. Our relationship has been rocky — we’ve been together for five years, but I had an affair last year while things were really bad between us.

Now I am completely heartbroken. We still live together, and knowing that she is out there fucking another guy has me in a panic. Even though she is having this fling, she has told me that she loves me and that this is happening because she wants us to be apart for a while so we can gather our lives and pursue our dreams. At this point I know she is the love of my life and I don’t want to be with anyone else except her. Please help!