Sex Advice from a Goose: Pictures of You

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11/03/2008 10:00 AM |

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I met him at the bar I work at, and I couldn’t really help myself… I slept with him on our first date. Well, we’ve been dating for about three months but he leaves in the next two months… I really like this guy; also, I am 30, and I really want to get married soon — he is 37. So the thing is, he’s not aggressive, he doesn’t really call or text, and I make all the arrangements for our dates — the good thing is that he pays for everything. So the only way I get him to respond to me is if I tell him I am leaving him!

Not a question. Next!

Dear Audrey Gary,
Ok, so here’s the deal. My boyfriend and I both have hectic work schedules. In the middle of the day we always meet at his apartment for what we jokingly call "bonding time." We relax, watch tv, eat lunch and have sex — I believe I can speak for both of us when I say it’s always satisfying. The other day he was lying on the bed using my Blackberry, so I crept in to give him a blowjob. The entire time, he stayed on the Blackberry, which didn’t bother me at all — as long as he moaned and groaned, I knew I was doing my job. Only after we were done and we both went on our way to work, I noticed he had googled Eva Longoria images on my phone while I was giving him a blowjob. Is it normal for guys to have to view someone else giving them a blowjob, rather than the girl actually giving it to them? I might add that although I may not look like Eva Longoria, I am no Peppermint Patty.

Well, ma’am — or should I say, Marcie-style, “sir,” — while I won’t comment on your husband’s taste in vapid, skeletal stars of second-tier TV shows, I will suggest that you are underselling the appeal of Ms. Patricia Reichardt. The adorable combination of proper diction and frequent misunderstandings? The athletic prowess? The red hair and freckles? Sir, you do yourself a disservice.