Sex Advice from a Goose: Sex and the Open Relationship

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12/01/2008 10:00 AM |

Welcome to our weekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I have been with my girlfriend for over three years. It’s safe to say we’re deeply in love. But there’s a problem — our sex life sucks. Thing is, it’s never been good, not even in the beginning. We’re just not compatible in that sense. Trust me, we’ve tried to make it better, but no luck. At this point we’ve more or less given up and we only have sex about twice a month. Oh, and she hates blowjobs — I think I’ve had a total of five since we’ve been together. I’m starting to lose my mind and I’m very much considering seeing someone else on the side just for sex. It sounds crazy but it would actually save our relationship. I don’t want to break up with the love of my life because of sex, but if I don’t get back to getting laid, or at least getting a blowjob a few times a week, I’m going to lose it. What do you think I should do? And before you answer, we’ve tried just about everything in the sack. It’s no use.

Get some ribs removed.

Dear Audrey Gary,
I am with this guy who I met and have been fucking since June. I love fucking him but he is huge and it hurts. We can only have sex once every few days because I need time for the swelling to go down. Can you recommend something to help with this painful situation?

“Only once every few days”? Dear lady, if our Creator had intended for us to have sex “every few days” he would not have given us acne and sweaty palms and a stress-induced stutter. This is nature’s way of telling you to stop making the rest of us feel jealous.