Sex Advice from a Goose: Ring Around the Rosie

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02/23/2009 7:00 AM |

Welcome to our biweekly feature in which I, Gary, The L’s wooden goose, shall answer the questions asked of Audrey Ference, The Natural Redhead, in the current issue of the L.

Dear Audrey Gary,
Two of my buddies have confessed to being into licking their girls’ asses. This can’t be real. They say yeah, after the girl takes a bath they’re into it. I’m dumbfounded! I get anal penetration — but this is a whole other ballgame. What’s next, shit-flavored mints?! Really, what’s wrong with people? Would you want your ass to be licked?

Yes. Of course! Next question.

Dear Audrey Gary,
In the arena of meeting people, the easiest places are where communities form, i.e. universities, the office, etc. I’m a single bloke of, you know, moderate attractiveness. But recently I’ve left school and have been pursuing freelance work. I work in an ever-changing environment and closely with only a very few individuals. Basically, my community has been eradicated, and for the most part I operate in more isolated terms than most. Friends have turned to online dating to help or, with a bit more defeat, getting one of those "at-home-fun-packs." So here’s my question: in a city of this magnitude, it shouldn’t be hard to get dates, but it is — why so? Suggestions for all us freelancers out there?

Well, first of all, all of my best wishes as you attempt to secure freelance work in this difficult economic climate.

The great irony of this situation, of course, is that the very reason you’re having trouble meeting people — that is, a lack of regular employment — is also the reason you can’t take the simplest course of action to solving your problem: that is, paying for sex. It’s a “Catch-22”!

My advice is to find regular employment, as a male prostitute.