Hey, I just saw Max Fischer at the DUMBO bookstore! Dude is short, and I couldn’t see what he was buying, but I’m pretty sure it was a book. Here are some things I wish I had said to him:
“Hey Fischer, why don’t you grow up and play a different character for once! I mean, how is it Louis XVI and the moop from Shop Girl seem like basically the same dude?“
“Hey Fischer, Wes Anderson says you can be kind of a drag at parties.“
“Hey Fischer, stay out of DUMBO.“
“Hey Fischer, I bet you can’t even really skate, for real. POSEUR.“
“Hey Fischer, your mother is dead.“
Sofia Coppola, Kirsten Dunst, Natalie Portman told me you have a tiny wee-wee.”
“Hey Fischer, I secretly envy your life and the interesting friends you seem to have, so all the preceding heckles were merely a way for me to feel better about the inadequacies I perceive in my own life, as I compare it to yours.“
And then I started to cry.
Wow, those are some cutting taunts. You should go to the US Open instead of Conklin.
oh, are they?
I saw Max Fischer on 1st in-between 8th and 9th one night, and yeah he can’t be any taller than three feet. At any rate, I muttered “Hey look, that’s Jason Schwartzman…” to a friend, who proceeded to shamelessly yell out “Jason!”. He turned back, giving us a headnod and grinning wave. We laughed. Then my friend asked, “Hahaha…who the fuck is Jason Schwartzman?”