A Very Bad Shift at the Sex Store

07/20/2009 12:36 PM |

So there I was, last week going, “Aw shit, I don’t have anything to write about for The L,” because a lot of the time my job is as uneventful as I imagine working at the Gap must be. But then God heard me and He descended a plague of lunatics on the store and lo, it was good.

Sometimes a man will come in and he’ll flirt a little and I’ll flirt back — to get him to buy stuff — and as a pat little addendum to all that, he’ll throw in a box of Magnum condoms with his purchase. He’ll push them across the counter towards me with a coy little smile.

My first customer of the night was an older man with a set of obviously fake teeth who pulled this stunt. “I’ll be thinking of you when I use these,” he said as he left and I felt my hand ball up into a fist under the counter. How satisfying it would’ve been to deliver him a tremendous punch to the back of the head and send those choppers flying!

Next, came my first prank call of the evening. I could tell it was a prank because they put me on speakerphone and I could hear a bunch of kids giggling in the background. The kid asked, “Do you have any dildos for my girlfriend? “Yes,” I answered. Radio silence. “Yes,” I repeated. “We have dildos for your girlfriend. Loads of them.”

Obviously, he hadn’t thought the call out beforehand because he continued to sit silently on the line, struggling to think up something to say. “Boo,” I finally said. “Boo, this is a terrible prank call. Gong! Get off the stage.”

If you want to prank call a place and ask if they have dildos, wouldn’t it be better to call a place that doesn’t have them? Like a church or a Wendy’s or something? ‘Cause they’d be shocked by it and that would be funny annoying. Fucking kids these days, I swear.

We have vibrators out on display in what we call the petting zoo and a woman (who looked totally sane) came up to me to ask if there was a place where she could try one of them out. I wanted to drop kick her out of the store.

In the life of a display vibrator, thousands of people will touch it — gross people, people with sticky hands, people who were just scratching their butts or picking their noses. And she wanted to try it out.

“Lady,” I said, “you better learn to treat your genitals a little better than that, or one day they’re gonna walk out on you in a huff.” She didn’t like hearing it, but I have to call ‘em as I see ‘em.

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