Remember the last time you caught yourself just waking up at like 1 in the afternoon on a Sunday and finding that Kazaam was on TBS and for some reason you just couldn’t tear yourself away from it? And you just kept thinking, “Man, this Shaquille O’Neal guy has really got some acting chops, I’d sure like to see him on TV more and not just playing basketball?” ABC announced today a new show staring The Big Aristotle himself called “Shaq Vs.” a show where O’Neal competes against star athletes in their own sports. Now, to be perfectly honest, this actually sounds fucking awesome. As of right now, O’Neal is slated to compete against swimmer and bong-enthusiast Michael Phelps, Steeler’s quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, Serena Williams, Albert Pujols, the beach volleyball team of Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh, and then he’ll get the shit kicked out of him by Oscar De La Hoya. August 17th could not come soon enough. While it does seem as though The Big Baryshnikov has covered his bases as far as sports go, as always there’s certainly room for additions. Might I suggest a few…
Equestrian — This could work two different ways: 1.) Actually have Shaq do the normal course and see if he’s too big for the horses to jump the hurdles (my guess is no). Or 2.) Remember that show “Man Vs. Beast”? Let’s just see if Shaq can outrace a horse.
Rugby — Before every match, the New Zealand national rugby team lines up and performs the Haka, a Maori tribal dance that is incredibly intense and frightening, especially when done by a group of behemoth rugby players hell-bent on breaking your ribcage. Seeing Shaq perform the Haka would certainly be one thing, but then getting to see him get mauled by a bunch of Kiwis would be even better.
Wheelchair Rugby — Because those guys in Murderball were fucking crazy.
Steeplechase — This is arguably one of the coolest track and field events ever: It’s a 3000 meter race that involves vaulting over a single large hurdle and into a shallow pit filled with water seven times during the race. Also, it’s one of the most dangerous track and field events ever. Need I say more?
Logger Sports — Because Shaq + a chainsaw + plaid and suspenders = The Greatest Hour of My Life.
Jai-Alai — Not only is this sport incredibly dangerous and fast paced, but people in Florida apparently love to bet on it too. So not only could you gamble over how the outcome of the match, but also how large the welts on O’Neal’s back will be after getting smacked with a goatskin covered ball traveling at like 190 mph.
Badminton — If, like me, you’re still upset that Malaysia’s Lee Chong Wei lost to China’s Lin Dan, who’s basically like the Michael Phelps of modern badminton, in the Men’s Singles finals at the 2008 Olympics, you’re just dying to see O’Neal destroy Dan in a match and maybe spike the shuttlecock into Lin Dan’s eye, or something like that.
I bet my savings on the 2008 Jai Alai championships and lost. When I was living in Florida.