I Brought a Dildo to All Points West

08/06/2009 4:00 AM |

This summer I’ve been “working on my novel,” (read: sitting around my hot-ass apartment in my bra, making my bellybutton talk), playing the role of hipster flâneur and generally avoiding my job like the plague.

I took the other weekend off to go to San Diego Comic Con, which was a lot of fun considering I don’t like crowds or comics and I hate seeing men’s feet (San Diego is the Mecca for Men in Flip-Flops). And I took last weekend off because my BFF bought me a ticket to All Points West for my birthday.

I only went into work one day this week. On that shift, a woman came in and asked me why a blow up doll is called a “Dutch wife” in Japanese. The question was like a koan: I thought about it for the rest of the day and am still thinking about it. If anyone knows why, let me know.

I also pilfered a load of stuff from our free bin — a hideous butt plug, four kinds of lube and a purple dildo called the Paisley. Other than that, it was a pretty uneventful day.

Friday afternoon, while in line at the APW security check, I noticed the Paisley was still in my bag. The guard squeezed it through the little pouch it was in, but she didn’t take it out, thank God.

I should note that discovering a dildo in my purse is not unusual for me. I’d estimate that I have a sex toy, lube or at very least some condoms in my bag about 60 percent of the time, because it takes me weeks to get around to emptying out my purse after looting from the free bin.

For a little while, I was carrying a metal dildo in my purse. After a closing shift, my walk home from work is a pretty desolate one and I’m always a little afraid someone is going to lunge out at me from the shadows. I figured, “Would-Be Attacker Bludgeoned With Metal Dildo,” would make for an amazing headline.

Liberty State Park is beautiful and although we got there early, there was already a bunch to see and do. I figured it would be fun to treat the Paisley like a Flat Stanley and take it around the festival with me, showing it the sights and making magic happen.

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