In Praise of Death Panels

08/25/2009 11:53 AM |

Charlie Weis

The vaunted Bill Belichick ‘coaching tree’ is beginning to look more like a diseased Doric column. Prized assistants Eric Mangini and Romeo Crenel have been hired and fired by pro teams and Josh McDaniel looks befuddled in Denver. It would appear that not much of Belichick’s peculiar, super-sinister genius has rubbed off on many, or perhaps any, of his underlings. (There may be more going on here then meets the eye, as was brilliantly pointed out by DJ Gallo) The worst offender of all is Charlie Weis, a Belichick acolyte who lucked into the Notre Dame job after they could not staple it to Urban Meyer. Weis then proceeded to have an exceedingly fortunate beginning at the university involving players he had nothing to do with recruiting, declared that his teams would enjoy a “decided schematic advantage” over their opponents, and was prematurely rewarded with an obscenely bloated 30 million-dollar contract extension. Then? Failure on a scale not witnessed at Notre Dame since… well, ever. The soft schedule and hard sell that the Golden Dome has contrived in order to rehabilitate themselves in 2010 feels like little more then a sharpie’s shell game. They may win eight games against weak opponents, but they’ll never contend for a National Championship under this coach. What to do? Curtains? Instead the panel proposes this more moderate option: We chloroform Weis, take him on a long ride out to a remote stretch of western highway, and leave him lost and disoriented two hundred miles from Bear River City, Utah. There’s your pre-existing condition right there.

Brett Favre

At a certain point, we must recognize that in the case of a few dissenters, nothing else works. The Mississippi Gulag could not hold him. A nine-month sentence at the Eric Mangini Psychological Retraining Center did not cure him of his counter-revolutionary whims. There would appear, at this unfortunate juncture, only one way to make this malefactor actually retire and mean it. I won’t say more for now, but under our new system, let us expect this malefactor to be quietly… removed from the arena. We need to use the Navy SEALS for something.

Mind you, these are merely suggestions! Suggestions for a clean and efficient new sports world led by our Master Mentor Obama, whose truisms and tender mercies have led us to our newly disarmed society of cooperation and good deeds! Join us, if you will. Otherwise, grab a pick and start digging — it’s time for your reward.