My First Vibrator!

09/24/2009 12:16 PM |

Dear Audrey,
My girlfriend has never had a vibrator. Should I buy her one? I think it would be fun for us to play with, but it also does seem like I’m saying “Here, use this so I don’t have to have sex with you as often” or something.

Sure what the hell, people like presents. I say do it. And if there’s some reason why she’s never gotten one, then at least you’ll know. That said, maybe don’t go all out and get one of the super fancy kinds in case she’s not into it, because I doubt it will be returnable at that point. And if she likes it, a lady can always add to her vibrator collection.

Then even if you guys break up some day, she will look back fondly on you and the occasion of her first vibe. They should manufacture that, My First Vibe, like for teens. It could have a picture of Hannah Montana or whatever it is they like. That vampire dude? Something.

Furthermore, they should manufacture a “Here’s something to rub yourself with so I don’t have to fuck you as much” card, because how useful would that be to most people?

So!

Dear Audrey,
My girlfriend has all these restrictions for me before we are allowed to have sex: I have to have just taken a shower, brushed my teeth, cut my finger and toe nails, can’t have just eaten (in case I burp or something), my sheets have be clean… all this stuff. She’s not OCD or anything—in fact, in her daily life, she’s kind of a slob. She also hates it when I touch her without asking permission first (not like a sexy touch, just any kind of touch) and seems grumpy whenever I complete the list of requirements and then suggest maybe we can have sex. Once we finally get into it, though, it pretty good. I mean I’m trying to be patient but wtf? Does she just not want to have sex with me or what?

Yes? I don’t know. I will say, that is odd. Possibly she has a lot of hang-ups? That are very specific? I know sometimes some people who have survived physical or sexual abuse need to make very strict boundaries even with their partners about when and what kind of touching is ok, but this sounds… extreme.

That would be a pretty Zack Morris way of trying to discourage you from having sex with her though, like just making up a bunch of pain in the ass rules and hoping you lose interest. I’m not sure why one wouldn’t just break up with you at that point. Unless she’s just fucking with you? She must be a very special lady to be worth doing all that extra laundry (not the even mention the toothpaste costs.)

I think we can all appreciate a clean crotch, and the ladies among us, groomed fingernails, but wowzers. Are you, if you are being honest with yourself, an unusually smelly or shower-and-cleanliness-avoidant human being? I mean, it is true that some people, for all their many virtues, just genuinely get stinky at a faster rate. Perhaps explore this question with some honest friends.

But you know, I don’t know. I really fucking don’t. You know who does though? Your girlfriend. I would suggest you ask her about all of this and see if that doesn’t get you somewhere useful. Sorry, I really got nothing on this one.