Halloween at the Sex Store

10/21/2009 2:00 PM |

The crazies remained at bay this week except for one old woman with drawn-on eyebrows, who came into the store just to inform my coworker Adriana and I that, “this will all be rubble,” when Jesus returns. She was mumbling, it took me a while to work out what she was saying, so she was already out the door by the time it occurred to me to roll my eyes up into my skull and shake like I was being possessed. Next time.

You know what else is a lot of pagan fun and would also probably make Jesus all frowny? Halloween! Dudes, All Hallows’ Eve cannot come fast enough this year. Allow me to list some pertinent truths:

1) Pumpkin pie is the best kind of pie (do not even give me any of your apple talk).
2) Halloween shows on sitcoms are also the best. The best of the best appeared on Martin, The Simpsons and Roseanne.
3) Carving pumpkins is fun for all ages.

Halloween got bumped into my top holiday spot when I hit my teenage years and Christmas became the biggest boner-breaking disappointment of a holiday ever. When I was thirteen, I spent a lot of time picking out gifts for other people, but received only one and it was wildly inappropriate for me. That Christmas, I cried in the shower and it has pretty much been downhill from there.

But back to Halloween. Last year, we had a costume contest at work and I put a lot of energy into making my costume because a cash prize was at stake. I bought some felt and dye from Pearl Paint, glued white balloons to the front of my costume and went as the Moment of Conception (click above right to enlarge). I walked around in my costume all day and while I was ringing up customers I’d point to myself and say, “Are you sure you don’t need any condoms?” It was a joke that, for me, never got old.

Working the closing shift on Halloween is kind of the pits, because I should be out enjoying my youth, not slaving away to put cash in somebody else’s pockets. Not surprisingly, everyone that comes into a sex store on Halloween night is drunk, is extremely annoying and is not there to buy anything.

But the morning shift on Halloween is the best day of the year to work because everyone, including me, is in an irrepressibly good mood. In the early evening, we stand outside and hand out candy to all the little beans scooting by in costumes and they are all so cute they make my ovaries Tex Avery out of my body. We’re nice to them and compliment their costumes but will not allow them in the store, which generally confuses them and weirds them out. Kids are fun.

Last year, we gave candy to the children of a couple CELEBRITIES. There was one in particular that I remember because of how it cracked her husband’s shit up when he realized that his kids were getting candy from a sex toy store.

I don’t think I can name her because I was told very clearly when I started working at the Pleasure Chest that I wasn’t allowed to discuss the celebrities that may shop at our store. This column has already gotten me in hot water (and funnily enough, not for the reasons you’d think) so I’m essentially hanging onto my job by a thread and don’t need to be breaking any more rules.

But on the other hand, rules are for fools, amIrite? And she didn’t come in to shop; it was only that one of her adorable little beans took a candy bar from our manager, so here is a hint:

Tate Modern.