Werewolves, Vampires, Tweens, Twilight, New Moon, I am Tired, Meh

11/20/2009 2:01 PM |

Because the most important movie of OUR TIME is coming out tonight, we decided to give into America’s craze for Vampires vs. Werewolves and round up some of our favorite clips of the genres’ respective money shots: The wolf transformation, and the vampire suck. Here are two (just a taste), followed by like a billion after the jump. (Thanks to intern Deirdre for her tireless YouTube searching…)

An American Werewolf in Paris
This is probably the least sexy Julie Delpy nude moment you will ever see on screen, though not as laughable as some of those scenes with Ethan Hawke in those dumb sunrise/sunset movies.

Interview with a Vampire

“Dear Brad,
Thanks for showing me who I really am. These feelings I’ve been bottling up for so long were finally released on set with you and I can’t tell you how wonderful it is. Today, I am a new man. A gay man. Ever yours, Tom Cruise.
P.S. I think this all started (me being gay) with Lea Thompson on the set of All Right the Moves.”


The Opening Credits from Big Wolf on Campus

Hey, this has attractive teenagers and everything! Just like Twilight!


Subtext alert: effeminate white dude with whips trying to keep a black man down; black man turns into snarling beast.


Oh no, Alex P. Keaton’s getting all hairy! He looks like Devendra Banhart. And whatever happened to Tina Yothers?

American Dad


Blood and Chocolate

Oh god this is so fucking Eurotrashy I almost couldn’t watch the whole thing. “Zer iz a river in doz woodz… No one ever reechez da river.” Thanks, Frenchie.

Tales from the Darkside

I have never cried so hard as when the little boy werewolf jumped into the momma werewolf’s arms at around 1:10. The synths are just so fucking… plangent. I am a mess right now.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

I’d say pound for pound this is one of the better transformations, from a CGI perspective.

The She-Wolf of London

This one is protracted and kind of going for laughs, I guess. Though wait, I think I was just attracted to the She-Wolf at around 2:10, which, weird. Nope, it’s gone, I lost it at 2:57 when the English writer whispered wistfully: “Randy.”

The Wolf Man

Just because something is “classic” does not make it better. Slipping on a pair of Uggs and delicately tip-toeing through the mist is just not scary.


Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Teens. Teens are the best. Everybody likes teens. Here are some “teens” who are no longer actually teens.


Superman vs. vampires vs. Lex Luther? I’m confused. Hey, at least there are attractive teens, which is all America really wants.

Subspecies II

Bad things happen when you wear Megadeth jackets and make out with witchy looking ladies. But you knew that right? Also, turn your sound down on this one, the slurping sounds are particularly gross.

The Vampire Lovers

The year: 1970. The style: long white night dresses with lots of cleavage. The result: ladies biting other ladies’ necks. The other result: me being turned on.

True Blood

Tennesse Williams with fangs and swears.

Count Dracula (Christopher Lee version)
It must suck to be the actual Count Dracula, confronted by millions of tweens who don’t believe that an old dude from Serbia or whatever could be a vampire.


Ugh. This 1974 fangsploitation flick is all about the Manson Family murders. Again, ugh.


I’ve been watching a fuck-ton of Murnau lately and it’s all totally awesome and beautiful. You can watch all of Nosferatu right here, but if it’s the money shot you’re after, skip ahead to 1:19:06.

Let the Right One In
If you haven’t already seen this totally rad Swedish vampire flick YOU ARE DOING YOURSELF A DISSERVICE.