Let’s Talk About Sex, Please

01/28/2010 1:48 PM |

Hey pals: lightning round. See if you can intuit an over-arching-type lesson that we can all take away from this lot.

Dear Audrey,
I’m really turned on by my boyfriend when he comes home from the gym all sweaty. How can I convince him not to take a shower until after I’ve had a go at him?

Talk to your boyfriend and tell him you like to sweat-fuck.

Dear Audrey,
Ever since I had a colposcopy a couple of years ago, it hurts to have vigorous sex in certain positions. I feel bad telling my boyfriend to take it easy, because I know he’s trying to go the extra mile, but it just hurts. What should I do?

Talk to your boyfriend and tell him it hurts to have sex certain ways. Then while you are having sex, if he is hurting you, tell him.

Dear Audrey,
I’ve been getting really into BDSM-flavored porn lately, and I think I’d like to try it IRL. I definitely see myself in a submissive role, so how do I get my partner to start topping me? Is that a thing you can learn?

Talk to your partner about your interest. Show him or her some of the porn you like. I bet they’d be willing to at least give it a try. Communicate and tell them what they are doing right and wrong (after the session, of course.) Yes, to an extent, it is something one can learn.

Dear Audrey,
My wife recently went through a period of serious depression. She’s now on anti-depressants and doing better, but between the two, her sex drive is basically nothing at this point and mine… isn’t. I feel guilty even bringing it up, knowing what she’s been through but, uh, it’s becoming an issue for me. I don’t want to make her feel bad. Am I being a jerk?

No! Talk to your wife about how you are feeling! I’m sure she has an inkling that you are missing sex. Y’all, come on, this is what marriage is about: communication. I hope talking honestly about what you’re feeling won’t make either of you feel bad, if you approach each other with sympathy and love. I’m not saying you’ll find a solution, necessarily, unless you’re thinking about opening up the marriage, but just even talking it over will help to prevent resentment and anger from building up on either side. It’s a tough situation. Depression sucks. Good luck to both of you.

Dear Audrey,
I know my boyfriend is downloading TONS of porn. I’ve never caught him watching it but he doesn’t even clear the download folder in Firefox. What’s the best way to let him know I’d love to watch some of it with him sometime?

Talk to your boyfriend! Tell him you want to watch some sick-ass hentai and you want to do it with him there. Maybe you can even hook up the computer to the teevee or something.

Dear Audrey,
Lately my boyfriend has been hinting around that he might like something a little more than just a finger in his butt. I’d totally be into it! Pegging seems really sexy to me, and I would love to try strapping it on. Besides renting Bend Over Boyfriend, how do I take our butt play to the next level?

Oh for fuck’s sake. You all know what I’m going to say, right? Jeesh.