The Maturity Index: Holiday Edition

01/04/2010 2:57 PM |

the maturity index

Paige Tibbetts and Holly McManus are back with their world famous Maturity Index TM, in which they try, and fail, to act their ages.

So, over the Holidays we had so spend a long, hard ten days away from each other. The likes of such separation we have never seen before, it was a challenge, of course, but we’ve become the poster-girls for “distance making the heart grow fonder.” Holly and her family enjoyed a sun-soaked cruise as Paige was left to navigate the blizzards of the Northeast ALL ALONE. Lets explore last weekend, including familiy time and our tearful, Sunday funday reunion.

-Wake up feeling surprisingly spry considering the night before was New Year’s Eve: Age 12
-Take little brother out to the following activities: brunch, shopping for counterfeit Jordan sneakers on Canal Street, the driving range and batting cages at Chelsea Piers: Age 30 (because I didn’t complain once EVEN on Canal.)
-Dinner is leftover pizza and PBR: Age 18
-EVERY DEGRASSI EVER MARATHON is on, watch four hours: Age 12
-Go to bar with roommate and brother, we hatch a scheme for my 21-year-old brother to score the gal of his dreams: Age 25
-Leave bar early to go finish last nights leftover Andre and watch more Degrassi: Age 16
-Realize we also have a mini bottle of Hypnotiq left over from the night before, split it three ways and all fall asleep on couch: Um. No age, this should just never happen.

-Wake up without motion sickness or NYE hangover despite being on a large cruise ship and champagne/wine/tequila/beer/rum combo from the night/day before: Age 19
-On a cruise that doesn’t have a wet t-shirt contest: Age 62
-Lie to siblings, “Mom and Dad say you guys better get up so we can get to the beach early,” because of urgency to get better tan: Age 15
-Lounge on Barbados shore reading Valley of the Dolls, thinking of ways I can incorporate word ‘doll’ into everyday conversation: Age 16
-Agree to go out on sea turtle boat tour only if I am not pressured to snorkel because want to sit on boat and get better tan: Age 15
-Guy who owns boat’s name is Smiley and he passes around a bottle that once held bleach and now holds rum punch. I decline: Age 38
-Ask Smiley questions about Barbados’ native Rihanna: Age 9
-Buy large bottle of Mount Gay rum for roomies asking everyone in Duty Free how much is legal to bring into the states: Age 18


-Parents are here, little brother and I meet them at boyfriend’s cafe for lunch: Age 30
-Obligatory Midtown trip with whole family to see the tree at 30 Rock and visit Niketown: Age 13 (because that’s how old I was the last time I did it)
-Trip to UES for family dinner at childhood favorite restaurant, EJ’s Diner… nostalgia: Age 24
-My brother and I order a hot fudge brownie sundae and fight over hot fudge and I fret because I hate wet walnuts so I spit them out: Age 7
-My brother and I head back to Brooklyn with every intention of going out to a bar, soon realize that there are some episodes of Degrassi we’ve never seen, we stay in: Age 12

-Wake up early in San Juan, and make sure I have packed all of my presents from Papa Noel while packing: Age 7
-Put on 70 SPF to walk around old San Juan: Age 62
-When Blackberry gets a signal, immediately check phone to see who drunk texted me on NYE: Age 21
-Tearful farewell to family after having my mom buy me a pack of gum: Age 12
-Make besties with Meryl Streep-ish lady sitting next to me on plane who basically says “life is a crap-shoot” and that I need to get my act together: Age 42
-Borrow cute surfer guys phone to call boyfriend to ask when he is picking me up: Age 14
-Give boyfriend souvenirs: spices to make me dinner with, hot sauce to put on my omelets, and a bootlegged CD of Soca music: Age 19


-Family brunch, football is the main topic of conversation, I cant keep up: Age 13
-I cant stop thinking about the eggs, brownies, and PBR consumed as I tried to eat like a 21-year-old boy all weekend, so I go to the gym: Age 25
-Drink coffee and read the Times: Age 35
-Holly finally returns from her vacation and we both cry a little because we are so excited: Age 14
-We realize that though we woke up and got dressed in different countries, our ESP was working and we are wearing matching outfits, squeal and jump up and down: Age 9
-Holly shows the presents she got for the roommates, rum, rum cake, mint chocolate vodka, coconut oil and a crab magnet with moving legs: Age 28
-We test drive the mint chocolate vodka (over ice) then decide we should go to Union Hall (they have fire places!), play bocce and drink beer: Age 21
-Our first EVER game of bocce we cream our competition, we make them bow to us and buy us a beer: Age 21
-We sit together by the fire and can’t stop talking about how much we missed each other, we keep hugging and making everyone else uncomfortable: Age 16

Our age after a weekend of families and reunions clocks in at 20.8 years old, Holly’s obsession with sunscreen could not make up for Paige spitting out wet walnuts, and the collective squealing regarding matching outfits certainly can account for a chunk of this immaturity. But since Paige turned 24 over break, and a Merryl Streep-a-like told Holly to get her act together, we’re projecting that 2010 could see a gradual increase in the maturity index, maybe even edging above 17.

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