The Maturity Index: Long Long Weekend

01/19/2010 3:01 PM |


This weekend we went to a spa for hydrotherapy and voluntarily woke up at 8 on Sunday morning to attend a lecture on the history of women in literature, but we also ate so much candy we got canker sores and stole breadsticks from a chain restaurant, so…


-Post-work drinks drinks with co-workers to say goodbye to our beloved assistant publisher- Age 27
-Most of those drinks were Screwdrivers- Age 15
-Hug my departing coworker and cry a little bit, then show up to fancy dinner with boyfriend 15 minutes late and slightly buzzed- Age 18
-Eat tons of sea urchin (my favorite food)- Age 25

-After work drink wine and eat Chex mix with boyfriend-Age 23
-Watch non-narrative, no-plot film Baraka- Age 50
-OBVIOUSLY fall asleep watching coal miner/bathing Japanese yakuza mobster comparison-Age 9


-Roommates prepare for a day at the spa but Paige and Chrissy stop at Golden Crust for Jerk Chicken patties- Age 18
-In midst of G train shuttle chaos Holly stops at Peter Pan bakery to buy doughnut gift for roommate spa day- age 9
-Roommates all meet at Body By Brooklyn spa for a day of hydrotherapy and relaxation- Age 37 (and fancy!)
-We spend a very relaxing afternoon in various saunas, steam rooms and hot tubs but we are all too chicken to fully immerse ourselves in the 40 degree “arctic plunge pool”- Age 13
-We are offered a “treatment”, that involves a “beating with oak leaves”, from a sweating shirtless Russian man in a weird hat, we decline- no age, just probably a good move.
-We stop by the fancy grocery store on our way home, can’t find anything we want (we want candy and soda that will shorten our lives) so we go hit up our neighborhood Met instead and get Gobstoppers and Turkey Pepperoni- Age 16
-We girlpile and watch an incredibly disturbing movie on Lifetime about Kevin Bacon kidnapping Charliz Theron’s child, we get really into it and muse about how horrible it would be to be a mom and have your child taken, especially if your child was Dakota Fanning who is adorable (and profitable)- Age 35
-We make an iPod mix involving lots of Ke$ha and get ready to meet our friends at Brooklyn Bowl- Age 21
-At Brooklyn Bowl we steal margaritas from someone’s birthday party table, dirty dance with each other and keep bothering the DJ with annoying requests- Age 15 (note: The DJ’s there supposedly don’t have Ke$ha)
-The night ends with some serious discussions about life that get a little depressing- Age 40

-We head up to the 92nd St. Y for the Lecture on Women in Literature with Joyce Carol Oates. (Holly’s boyfriend got us tickets for Christmas)- Age 65, which was literally the average age of the attendees.
-We are both wearing “bad girl” shoes, leopard-print clothing, and shiny accessories among a sea of turtlenecks and tribal-jewelry necklaces of other Y attendees- Age 20
-We whimper and squeeze each others hands when she (JCO!) comes out to the podium, as she is basically our Madonna-Age 14
-Notice that Michael Showalter is there (he must have been related to the other speaker) which Paige gets awkward about because she got totally denied while trying to buy him a drink once-Age 21
-Afterwards we stand in line to get her to sign our books, we sweat nervously as we try to figure out what to say to her and finally settle on something like “Hi, we love you, we want to be writers”, to which she says “Good luck” and pats (and kind of pushes-away) Paige on her elbow, we walk away with Paige shouting “She TOUCHED me!”- Age 12
-We go back to Brooklyn and prepare a very interesting menu for our friends who are about to come over to watch the Golden Globes:

-Pork Tacos- Age 27
-Edamame- Age 33
-Pancakes, with chocolate chips, honey roasted cashews, coconut shreds and Reddi-Whip- Age 12
-Sourpatch Kids and Gobstoppers- Age 7
-Sugar cookies with cake frosting- Age 6

-We laugh at all the drunk actors giving acceptance speeches, we also have stomach aches- Age 24
-The apartment is really cold so we both go to sleep in Paige’s heated bed while making jokes of what kind of sandwiches we are as we toast- Age 8

-Wake up early, make coffee, clean the apt, go to the gym- Age 30
-Engage in our MLK Holiday tradition of having a endless soup, salad, and bread “Power Lunch” at Olive Garden… in Times Square. We do this to be ironic (right?)- Age 24
-Fully intend on stealing some “free” soup because it would be funny, and delicious, but we are seated in the center of the dining room- Age 14
-Successfully steal some breadsticks- Age 14
-Holly buys pricey cheese, chicken, basil, grapes, and different colored squash thinking she will make a family dinner with it- Age 14
-Roommates watch “The Hot Chick” while boyfriend cooks and makes sense of non-sensical food purchase-Age 17 (note: Rachel McAddams plays “the hot chick” before she turns into Rob Schneider”)

Stealing margaritas! Stealing carbs! Rob Schneider stealing Rachel McAddams body! Stealing an awkward glance at Michael Showalter! We had a great weekend, probably because our average age was 21.1 years. Next weekend Holly goes to the ballet and Paige has a friend in town.

2 Comment

  • I was totally de-nied by Showalter before. Just an fyi for all those ladies out there, quoting his character form Wet Hot and saying “I don’t care that your bowlegged and i dont care that your bilingual” isn’t a great pickup line, no matter how clever it sounds in your head.

  • successfully steal some breadsticks – age 0 to 97 in the life of every member of my family. Go Judaism