Avoid Unemployment: Go Back to School!

04/28/2010 4:00 AM |

Maybe losing your job is a sign that you shouldn’t dive back into that rat race. Maybe you just weren’t cut out for it, buddy. Maybe it’s time to go back to school, get your Master’s, and switch careers?


Jazz Studies

Do your hobbies include running Dee Dee Bridgewater’s official fan club? Do you even know who Dee Dee Bridgewater is? If so, you can finally let loose with the best and the brightest in Columbia’s Jazz Studies graduate program.

most notable course:

“Utter Negrocity: Black Art and Consciousness” uses music, writing, film, dance, speech, and visual art to tell the story of black protest and performance from the 18th century to the present.

Polish Studies

After the recent plane crash in Russia, Poland now finds itself in dire need of government officials. After a quick turn around Columbia’s Polish Studies program (with a few electives in political science thrown in for good measure), you’ll be ready to fly hop a ship over and exercise your newfound skills.
most notable course:
“Elementary Polish I” is offered at the graduate level, so you know it’s never too late to start.


Individualized Study

With NYU’s M.A. program through their Gallatin School, you can literally study whatever the fuck you want. Seriously, you get to name your major and everything. The possibilities are endless: Rocket Science Theory, Extreme Tightrope Crocheting, David Bowie Studies… anything your heart desires! (Even “Heart Desires”!)

most notable course:
The ballots are in, and there is no clear winner. How could there be with titles like “The Thingliness of Things”, “Tragic Visions”, “Thinking about Seeing”, “Critically Queer”, and “Perversion”?

Sports Business
NYU’s most unlikely M.S. program is in Sports Business. The school, which doesn’t have a football team and whose teams are called the “Violets”, finds itself qualified to teach others how to manage sporting events? Well, if they can dream, so can you!

most notable course:
“Planning and Development of Major Sporting Events” will teach you how to choose a site and organize volunteers in a timely manner.

Historical and Sustainable Architecture
NYU’s Historical and Sustainable Architecture program is essentially Ultimate Recycling Studies. It teaches you how to turn old, decrepit buildings into supah-sweet, shiny, new green buildings using most of the same materials. Sort of like how you can turn your old, decrepit, unemployed life into a shiny, new green one!

most notable course:
“Practical Experience”, the aptly named course guarantees students professional experience before they’re out of the gate.

Religious Studies
Religious Studies might just be the answer to your prayers. (See what we did there?) After studying up on the history of religion, analyzing the ideas and actions that influenced and effected various religions, and examining stacks of holy books, you’ll be well on your way to becoming a church administrator or religious writer/zealot.

most notable course:
“Mystical Elements of Twentieth Century Jewish Philosophy” is a weekly three-hour course with no discernable course description. Is that the first lesson?

New School

Nonprofit Management
You tried your hand in the private sector, and look where that got you: reading The L Magazine‘s continuing education supplement, probably in some one night stand’s bathroom or waiting for an F train at three in the morning. If you’re tired of living in your parent’s basement with Fluffy’s litter box a short reach from your bed, you can join the ten percent of Americans already toiling in the nonprofit industry with New School’s M.A. program in Nonprofit Management. This program teaches you how to go straight to the top, skipping all that painful volunteer work and community service most people who are passionate about a cause foolishly undergo.

most notable course:
“Advanced Seminar in Nonprofit Management.” Yes, the titles really are that boring.

Organizational Change Management
New School’s website says that the program “is designed for those who wish to broaden and expand on their experience in organizational change management.” After a few downward swipes of the spinny-mouse-wheel thing, we find out that it teaches students to “support senior management’s strategic change initiative,” or basically to be minions for The Man. If your spirit has already been broken, this is the program for you.

most notable course:
“Management and Organizational Behavior.” New School needs to hire more creative course-namers. Is that program offered anywhere?


Remember when you were in high school and so zonked out on drugs that you were all like, “fine mom and dad, I’ll go to college, but then I’m gonna study pharmacology and be high forever and then you’ll see” but then you forgot what it was they were supposed to see and studied English lit instead? That “you” misses You; plus, there’s no better cure for the unemployment blues than being high forever. (Oh, and people are always going to need pharmaceuticals, especially after Obamacare!)

most notable course:
“Health Care Ethics and Pharmacy Law.” We were just kidding, you can’t just steal pills for you and your friends and be high forever. There’s a lot of buzz-killing chemistry for you to learn!


Disability Studies
Think you have it bad? CUNY’s M.A. program in Disability Studies will teach you to be grateful for what you have, even if it isn’t a job. The program teaches that disabilities are a set of barriers that constrain people; sounds awfully familiar, huh, Mr. Unemployed?

most notable course:
The ostensibly oxymoronic “Embodiment and Disability” discusses the importance and potential of non-verbal communication to improve the quality of life for people with sensory disabilities.

If you’re just waiting to cash in on all those episodes of CSI you’ve gluttonously consumed during your “time off,” here’s your chance. (Your grandparents will be so proud!) John Jay College of Criminal Justice offers M.A. programs in just about everything a normal school would, except they stick the word “forensics ” in front of it: forensic accounting, forensic computing, forensic mental health counseling, forensic psychology, and forensic science.

most notable course:
“Psychopathology.” Words can’t even describe how kick-ass that class sounds.

Remember how painful and confusing it was to file your taxes? Next time the IRS tries to screw you over, know exactly how to weasel out of it with Baruch’s M.S. in Taxation. The good news is that any academic background qualifies you for this program, no previous number-crunching required. The bad news is that students are churned out as oil-slicked, briefcase-wielding drones.

most notable course:
“Corporate Taxation I and II” just sound plain evil.

One Comment

  • What a thrill to come across this article when I picked up the L Magazine this evening…I wonder whether the “Bowie studies” comment is intended to be a compliment or contumely? Did somebody finally decide that “groupie studies” sounds too derisive?