So You Want to Have Dream Sex…

04/14/2010 1:00 AM |

Dear Audrey,
My wife and I have a pretty normal sex life. You know, we’ve been together a while and I think we have pretty good sex pretty regularly. Except! Every now and again, my wife wakes up in the middle of the night after having a sexy dream and we have super-awesome intense sex. I’m not complaining or anything, but when I’ve tried to ask her what the dreams are about, she brushes me off, saying they’re always different or that it’s not really important. I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something: like if I could figure out how to duplicate the dreams in real life we’d be much better in bed, or like maybe there’s someone else who she is thinking about during those times and is subconsciously unhappy with our sex life. What should I do?

Well I assume that you share all of your masturbatory fantasies with your wife, and check in with her every time you jerk it thinking about any person other than she, right? No? Then I would suggest you let it fucking go already. Who cares, you know? Just take the occasional exceptionally good bone and run with it.

Monogamy is weird, man. I mean, I’m not knocking it. It seems to work for some people and not for others. But I think it’s pretty normal in monogamous relationships—or hell, even non-monogamous long-term relationships—that you have routine, pretty good, no-complaints sex most of the time, and through-the-roof kickass awesome sex every now and again.

I mean, to be fair, that’s probably the case, lifetime average-wise, for most people, in relationships or not. Not every time can be the best time. And if it is, then your “average” sex bar just got raised. Math!

Which is not to say that it would hurt to ask her some time if there’s anything funky she’s been wanting to try in the sack. That is never a bad idea. I would just try and find a way to bring it up in some context other than, “Thanks for the wonderful nocturnal sex but GIVE ME THE CONTENTS OF YOUR MIIIIND.” If that makes any sense.

Dear Audrey,
I’ve been hearing a lot about vajazzling these days. Been thinking of trying it, but I’m not really sure if the reaction would be like, “Wow, sexy” or “Wow, gross.” Thoughts?

You know what, I don’t know that I have a whole lot to add to the vajazzling conversation except to say that I was pretty disappointed when I saw that video on the internet that everyone saw. I was definitely expecting to see some chick’s labia emerge looking like a Faberg√© pocket pussy, but instead it was just some rash-pink lower tummy sparkles.

I guess if, as Jennifer Love Hewitt claims, it helps to give you confidence in your body and make you feel sexy, then it would be hard to advise against it. I would say, though, that I’m somewhat concerned about the effect friction would have on it. Neither of these images do much for me:
�€š�„ìAnother person emerging post-sex with a scratched up lower tummy area
�€š�„ìYou going to the bathroom after to pick pubes out of your stick-on crystals

Still, feminism is about choices, so anyone who gets this done go ahead and lemme know if you liked it, and I’ll share with the group.