Nice Guys Just Want to Get Laid

05/07/2010 3:33 AM |

What’s up, nerds? Recently I got a very long email about “Nice Guys” from a young lady. Here are some excerpts:

“I recently read a rant entitled, ‘Ode to Nice Guys.’ In it, the writer, clearly very frustrated by his lack of success with women, details various situations that have baffled him. These included escorting drunk women home without ‘taking advantage,’ accompanying women out when they felt lonely (‘Because you’re nice like that’), and returning phone calls to women when they were upset… all, mind you, without getting laid.

“Here’s a concept, ‘nice guy’: these are the duties of a friend. Yes, believe it or not, we expect the same of our female friends. We expect support, comfort, company, sympathy. And we would do the same for you. Because, I guess, we’re nice like that.

“What is not ‘nice’ is the idea that all the close male friends I’ve had have been secretly wanting to fuck me, and that that’s the motivation behind their loyalty. Which, really, makes me more inclined to label you as the asshole than the guys who didn’t return my calls.

“I’ve tried dating a ‘nice guy.’ Because yes, I was sick of all the ‘assholes’… And when I said I didn’t want to fuck him, he said fine. He said he only wanted to sleep next to me. And then proceeded, the whole night, to try and get into my pants every five minutes.”

Those of you who read things in the femilady blogosphere or whatever will no doubt be familiar with the “Nice Guy” of which our frustrated reader speaks. In case you missed it, here’s the thing: nobody is owed sex or love or a relationship. However “nice” you are, the universe doesn’t owe you a girlfriend (and yes, it is usually het men who do this.) True fact: most of the genuinely nice guys of the world do not spend much time thinking/talking about how nice they are.

Because I am a benevolent deity, I am here to provide you with some dos and don’ts for getting yourself laid. You’re welcome to ignore me and continue moaning about how nice guys don’t get any pussy unless they learn The Game, but anyone negging or peacocking is going to have go sit at Neal Strauss’s lunch table instead of ours.


• Be passive-aggressive about asking someone out, especially the kind where you follow them around all the time, then when they try to get rid of you, call them conceited for assuming you were interested.

• Pretend to be friends with someone with the sole interest of getting in their pants

• Think you deserve a cookie for not being a rapist

• Turn nasty when someone rejects you

• Insist on paying for expensive shit, then get bitchy when someone doesn’t want to fuck you

• Subtly angle for a pity fuck all the time

• Hope that you can wear someone down enough that they will finally love/fuck you

• Assume that if you do everything “right” that person you like HAS to like you back, it’s only fair


• Be direct about what you want

• Listen to what people are telling you

• Take a hint

• Be actually interested in people as human beings

• Assume a person you are interested in is capable of being truthful about their desires

• Take rejection gracefully

• Enjoy sex and life

7 Comment

  • You’re misinterpreting the point of the original article, which was that women have a tendency to fuck me who treat them like shit, rather than men who are nice to them (whether the nice guy is genuine or not). Every man just wants to get laid. That’s a fact. We can like you as a person as well, but that can’t curb our animal instincts of wanting to fuck you. The fact is that true nice guys do all of the “DO” list that you present, but they still never get laid. That is what the article was bemoaning.

  • Jimbeam doing the “DO” list won’t get you laid if you’re also doing the things in the “DON’T” list. And guys who consider themselves nice in the “girls don’t like nice guys” way do more of the “DON’T” than the “DO”.

  • Nice guys usually = a pussy. A guy who’s too scared to make a move or express his feelings. If you’re a guy whose caught in the friend zone, then it’s most likely because you don’t have the balls to make a move. Grab the bull by the horns, man.

  • Though this is a very old article, It’s full of BS. Generally speaking, it’s true that a man is “wired” to be the one who pursues sexual intimacy, but it’s the woman who puts out the signals if she does/doesn’t want the guy to talk to or be with her. Instinctive “moments” of attraction are so fast, sometimes the giver/receiver aren’t aware of them. We refer to this as many things, such as “he’s/she’s hot, great looker”, etc. Our brain chemicals do a lot of movements when we see an exciting person. The nucleus accumbens releases dopamine as the amygdala controls the emotions. As far as being friends with an opposite sex person, it’s very difficult as these same chemicals operate in the “friend zone” to. A nice guy isn’t a wimp, he’s a confidant man who knows how to treat a woman whether she’s laying down for him or not.

  • “which was that women have a tendency to fuck me who treat them like shit, rather than men who are nice to them (whether the nice guy is genuine or not)
    Jimbeam, this is very correct but not all of the time. It’s not our “animal” instincts but a “wired in” desire, just like a desire for water. It’s Physiological.

  • what the hell does grabbing the bull by the horns mean…

  • no offense but I think the author is kind of a bitch, I think I fall into the category of a “nice guy” and my best advice to other “nice guys” is just keep being yourself. I got rejected and whatnot all through high school and half of college till I met my current gf who actually APPRECIATES who I am. So don’t worry you will find a girl who appreciates it and usually those are the genuine girls who aren’t going to cheat on you, expect you to buy them everything etc…. My current gf is much better then any of the other bitches who though they were so great so it really depends on the girl. Let them have the asshole and get abused if they want. 😉