- The International Men’s Club of Bay Ridge
I really just appreciate this story for the centrality of the “mullet” as a character. Not only does the thief in question wield a gun, according the Post headline he also wields his own mullet: all in search of a little oxycodone in the wilds of Bay Ridge. In fact, the mullet-headed thief was so polite—he apologized for the stick-up as it was happening—that I can’t help but think he’s a Canadian hockey player. Pretty much an open-and-shut case, if you ask me.
A beautiful story, to be sure, for it brings to mind so many things diametrically opposed to beauty, which in itself must be some sort of beautifully aesthetic truth.
Yet aside from notions of (the opposite of) beauty, this story also brings to mind several important questions. I’ll pose them in the order in which their context appears in the original article:
1. The Canadian Hockey Player is reported to have committed this act while wearing a bandanna “over his nose and mouth.” This suggests that he wrapped it around his head and tied it in back, you know, like so. Now, can we assume that he tied it OVER his mullet as well, then actually PULLED his mullet out from underneath and flapped it OVER the knot in the bandanna? What a gesture! What truth! What cinema!
2. The Canadian Hockey Player is quoted as saying, “‘I’m sorry, I’ve just got to have it.'” This apologetic insertion, stated as such, is not necessarily the same as apologizing for the crime. It’s a bit more like saying, though at the end, ‘you know what I mean?’ Or given the supposed origins of the alleged criminal, ‘eh?’ On the other hand, maybe he’s a Pepsi representative? “Gotta have it!” “Hmmm, gotta have some of these as well!” Eh?
3. It seems that, aside from being tall and slender, the only good physical description of The Canadian Hockey Player is that he has a mullet. So now, are police searching for someone with or without said mullet? Might he have the gumption, the gaul, the bravado to trim it away? So much bandanna-donning cinema would be lost. What a shame.
Of course, should the theory of The Canadian Hockey Player be proliferated diffusely enough, the police could end up searching for, well, a Canadian hockey player. And how many of those could there be in Bay Ridge?