I Hate Unicyclists

08/30/2010 12:27 PM |


  • Ain’t no friends of mine.

I hate unicyclists. (I have a cousin, a year older, who was really into unicycling when we were younger. I never really liked that cousin.) Unicyclists are attention-seeking exhibitionists who mistakenly believe that quirkiness is a substitute for personality. For this reason, most people don’t like unicyclists, and are eager to mock them—unicyclist John Stone seems to understand this, as he makes some defensive preemptive statements in this Times piece about unicyclists:

John Stone does not want to hear your joke about his unicycle. He has heard all of them already. He doesn’t want to hear you whistle “Entry of the Gladiators,” that circus song. He is not a clown. He’s a commuter on his way to work, just like you. He just rides a giant 36-inch wheeled unicycle from his home on the Upper West Side down to his job as a composer near Astor Place. ” Sometimes you just want to be anonymous, you just want to ride.”

To which I can only say, bullshit. Unicyclists do, in fact, crave attention. And if that attention comes in the form of a little clown joke, they don’t really mind. Why am I so sure they crave attention? Here’s unicyclist Anthony Wright, also interviewed by the Times: “Not too many people can ride a unicycle. I love the attention.”

Anthony Wright, unicyclist, craves attention.

So why is the Times interview unicyclists? Because there’s a three-day unicycle festival in NYC this weekend. I will not be there. You’ve been warned.

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