Dealing With Workplace Jerks (Heh)

01/05/2011 1:00 AM |

Dear Audrey,
I had a sexy dream about a co-worker. It’s not someone I’m attracted to, but it was a super explicit dream and now I feel weird talking to him. He asked me if something was wrong because I was avoiding him. I know not to tell him (duh), but what should I do?

Eh, it’ll go back to normal on its own. I find that the people who populate my sexy dreams are rarely people I find attractive in waking life. It must just be some weird working of the subconscious. Don’t sweat it.

Dear Audrey,
There’s some guy who is always jerking off in my work bathroom. It’s really gross. Should I say something?

No? I mean, I don’t know? I have trouble picturing how that conversation would go down—are you planning on just knocking on the door and telling him to cut it out? That seems ineffective. Obviously this dude doesn’t really have a problem with everyone in the office hearing him beating off so it’s not like you can shame him. Maybe he has some kind of condition or something. Is there a condition like that? Where you have to beat off a lot? Like Speed except that instead of keeping the bus above 50 mph, he has to jack it four times per day or his dick falls off? Probably not. But I’m not a doctor, so maybe?

I feel like work bathrooms are sort of the natural habitat for passive-aggressive signs correcting rude behavior (“please clean off your seat pee”), but I’m not sure a sign saying “To whoever is constantly masturbating, please be respectful of the other people using the bathroom” is going to solve any problems. Regardless, though I totally get what you’re saying about being uncomfortable trying to use the bathroom while at your job and hearing someone pleasuring themselves in the adjacent stall, I’m not sure that it is actually inappropriate.

Like, it certainly violates some kind of unspoken cultural contract about public bathroom behavior, but I don’t think it’s like an HR issue or anything. I think realistically you will just have to deal with it. Maybe you should try it. If you can’t beat ’em (ha!), join ’em (ha?).

Dear Audrey,
I got really wasted at a party and ended up having sex with this guy. I think we used a condom, but like I said, I was suuuper drunk and I can’t remember for sure. I know, don’t get super wasted and go home with guys. It was a mistake. But now I’m freaking out. I’m on the pill so I don’t have to worry about getting pregnant, but what if I got an STD? What should I do?

Ok, well, don’t freak out. What’s done is done, and there’s nothing you can do to undo it, so just be calm and deal with the situation. If you have the guy’s contact info, you can call him and ask if you guys used a condom, whether he knows if he has any STDs, and what his HIV status is. Whatever he says, I’d say get thee to the gyno and get tested for everything. You’ll need to do an AIDS test in six months just to be for sure for sure. You know, these things happen. I think everyone’s made some stupid drunk decisions they regret. Just be careful out there, kiddo!

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