A great cataclysm has come and gone. The reign of civilization has ended. Netflix no longer delivers. You frantically search for an Apocalypse App but find there is no service… What do you actually know what to do to stay alive? Not much, right? —You should fix that.
1. Rooftop Beekeeping 101
Assuming the apocalypse is not totally radioactive (and destroyed all plant life on earth), someone’s gonna have to help the little bees with all their deliciously sweet honey. Who knows, maybe honey will be the new currency, and you’ll be a millionaire…
2. Composting Class
Like roaches, worms will continue to flail wildly across the earth even after the dirt has turned to ash and plant-life has been decimated (crosses fingers). Fortunately for you folks who still plan on composting, worms are almost all you need to keep on breaking down those leftovers in the comfort of your own little urban stockade.
3.Start a New Religion
Professor Bob Doto gives you all the tools needed to create your own post-apocalyptic cult, except perhaps any real animal sacrifice know-how. No matter; everyone has to have something to believe in, right?
4.Intro to Shoemaking: Moccasins
If you think those flimsy Chuck Taylors are going to keep your feet safe in the rugged post-apocalyptic landscape (watch out for broken glass and mutated land-rats), think again. Moccasins are clearly the way to go. If they worked for the Native Americans, they’ll certainly work for us.
5. How to Make Foccaccia
We predict that stress eating is going to be on the rise in the future, as roving prides of mutagenetically powerful LOLcats are sure to make you anxious. Carbo-loading is also really helpful when you have to bury your own waste, so these bread-making skills will serve you well!
6.The Knife: Sharpen Your Skills
Face it: once the world ends, it’s going to be harder to find packaged cold cuts or pre-grated pepper jack—you’re going to need some real knife skills out there. Just try not to slice off your finger (unless you’ve taken a class on synthesizing antibiotics from ant spit).
7. Making Stuff with Concrete
In all likelihood, a hellish firestorm will sweep across the land, destroying everything in its path, including all your puny timberframe houses… So you’re going to want to build something a little more permanent. As a write-up on this class notes, “anything is possible with concrete!”
8. Ice Cream Mixing
Whoever told you that soft serve machines were going to be around after the End of Days was lying to you. Big time. Since you’re not going to have the luxury of the creamy good stuff being handed directly to you in the cone of your choice, you might as well start learning how to make it yourself now.
9. 50 Easy Vegetarian Foodstuffs
You’ve been putting it off for far too long, but the apocalypse is as good a reason as any to finally learn how to cook. Besides, once takeout is gone, you’re gonna have to make food somehow.
STATE FARM? ABOUT TIME.
Hmm… sounds a lot like Atwood’s “Year of the Flood.” But with wishful thinking if you think you’ll find the ingredients for ice-cream…