Today in Sex Toys That Look Like Other Things

08/25/2011 3:37 PM |

You put this on your you-know-what.

  • You put this on your you-know-what.

Hey ladies (and gentlemen?)! Your prayers for a vibrator that has at least 16 gigs of storage have been answered. You charge it with your computer, store some spreadsheets or whatever, then get all busy on yourself. And probably clean it somehow? I’m not sure. That is for you to decide for yourself.

This is not the first breakthrough in “discreet” sex toy technology, however. As a fan of Things That Look Like Other Things (for some reason those one-hitters that are disguised as sharpies will forever crack me up), here for your looking (or buying!) pleasure are the very hilarious-est of secret sex toys.

lipstick vibe

  • lipstick vibe

Lipstick Vibe. I mean, duh. The only way to get more into the Venn diagram of “lady stuff” would be like if you could remove the vibrating stiletto heel of a Louboutin or something. Or maybe a tampon-shaped vibrator? Think about it, technology.

Duckie vibe

  • Duckie vibe

The “I Rub My Duckie”. Hey, what’s that on the edge of your bathtub? Nothing, just my totally normal for an adult to have rubber duckie. WINK. I mean I’m the last person on the planet to say you should feel ashamed of having sex toys in the house, but I am not sure that I Rub My Duckie really does the trick, sneakiness-wise. It just makes you seem like a whole other sort of odd ball.

Love bunnies

  • Love bunnies

Love Bunnies. Bunnies! For your clit!


  • Fleshlight


The classic. They have all different designs to choose from these days. Although apparently you should try the Tenga Flip, which does not look like a different thing, but which does allow you to thoroughly clean the inside, so, upsides, downsides.

Sex in a can

  • Sex in a can

Sex in a Can. Also from the Fleshlight people. In case you would prefer to be known as “that guy who has a can of warm beer in his room all the time” instead of “that dude who masturbates.” Bonus: clever names like “suckit draft” for the mouth-shaped one and “lady lager” for the pussy-shaped one

Gossip ring

  • Gossip ring

Gossip ring. It has a vibrator inside the flower! Oh the gossip you will cause with your ring.
Sheila: Didja hear about Francine?
Sarah: No!
Sheila: That giant flower ring she’s always wearing is actually a jack-off toy!
Sarah: Huh!

Pirates pendant

  • Pirate’s pendant

Pirate’s Pendant. For when you are on a long sea voyage of pillaging and want to be discreet. Could also work on a space ship. “Don’t worry, it’s just some alien egg thing I found and made into a necklace.” Bzzzzzzz.

Forbidden fruit

  • Forbidden fruit

The Forbidden Fruit. This one is shaped like an apple. Sometimes, simplest is best.

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