“I Vhant You to Punish Me.”

02/29/2012 4:00 AM |

Dear Audrey,
I’m a woman and I’m generally pretty in charge. But in the bedroom, I want a guy who will take the reins. I don’t want to be hurt or anything, but I want him to take charge of how things go and throw me around a little. How do I get the guy I’m with to do this?

A lot of people who are sexually dominant are born that way. You can learn to do it, but it’s definitely a learning process. Here’s the thing: being in charge is a lot of work. It’s not as if the dominant sexual person is just doing what they want—it would be super boring to just have him demand a blowjob then be done.

What you’re asking is for this guy to craft a scene that is largely about your pleasure, through the lens of his. It’s complicated! It takes a lot of thought and planning. People who are alphas outside of sex and submissive in the bedroom are often demanding about exactly how they want to be dominated. I suspect there are a lot of specific things you’re into, and a lot that you aren’t. That’s totally fair, but you need to recognize that it’s not a simple thing to do what you’re asking. So, how do you make it work?

Well, first you talk about it. And I don’t mean just, “Hey, uh, I like it sort of rough? So if you could take charge?” No. I mean talk out the details of what you want to happen. And I guess you first have to make sure your partner is even on board. Despite what culture might want us to believe, men are not all caged rape machines waiting for their chance to unleash their testosterone on ladies. There are a lot of men who are submissive.

Anyway, so if this guy is on board to try some power switching, you need to sit down and talk about what you want to have happen. Will this feel weird? Yes. But that’s usually how kinky people get the scenes they want. Vanilla people assume that a good lover will magically intuit exactly what they’re looking for, and maybe some will, but if you’re trying to train someone to be your perfect top, you’re going to need to be explicit. If you’re uncomfortable coming out and saying what you want, find some porn that shows what you’re looking for and watch it together. Add commentary—do that, but less hard. I don’t want that. I like how he yells and grabs her hair.

Then, as you’re trying out your new arrangement, you have to be supportive. He probably feels silly. You might feel silly. Just go with it. You both need to get a feel for things. Maybe something you thought would be sexy wasn’t for you. Maybe you need to adjust a few things. After sex, talk about what you both liked and didn’t. Be open about your feelings but also be supportive of your partner. If you make him feel stupid, or like he fucked up, it’ll be hard for him to want to try again.

I know some people think talking and planning takes the sexy out of the encounter, but how else are you going to get what you want? Nobody is a mind reader. Like it or not, good sex takes some work sometimes. There’s a reason erotic fiction is fiction, you know?

Illustration by Mike Force