Lover’s Little Helper

06/20/2012 4:00 AM |

Illustration Mike Force

Dear Audrey,
I just got out of a sexless long-term relationship, and I am predictably going wild and having fun. I’m doing all the stuff I couldn’t do with my girlfriend—drink a lot, do lots of drugs, have lots of sex. But because of the first two, sometimes the last one doesn’t really happen the way it should. Or I’ve been with younger women who want to screw four or five times per night, which I don’t really have in me anymore, but it makes me sad to miss the opportunity. I don’t have erectile problems, but I’m thinking about getting some Viagra just for fun. Is there any reason this is a bad idea? What should I tell my doctor?

Well well, aren’t we Mr. Fucksalot? Doctor, I need a permanently hard dick because the ladies are simply begging for it! The only downside is you’re going to have to be careful not to let them get too attached after all that sweet fuckin’. Riiiiiight? But no, this is good. I’m glad you’re having fun.

Health-wise, you don’t have much to worry about. Viagra doesn’t have a lot of side effects—just usual upset tummy/dizziness/possible priapism (which sounds like what you’re going for anyway?)—and mixes fine with alcohol. I’m sure whatever you’re drinking and drugging is harder on your system than that is. So I guess go for it, right? Worth a try. If you don’t like it you can just give the rest to someone else.

As far as what to tell your doctor, I assume the answer is “a lie.” I definitely wouldn’t just tell him or her you’re too drunk to fuck on a regular basis, because doctors are weirdly judgey about stuff like that. I don’t know first-hand, being a dickless individual, but the stereotype is that doctors hand those scripts out like candy. Isn’t that what we’re paying Big Pharma for? I’d imagine a simple “Geez doc, I’ve been feeling a little… limp lately,” with a nod to your crotch ought to do it. If he or she still doesn’t get it, maybe do that thing where you stick your finger out and then let it kind of wilt sadly down. “It’s like trying to stuff a pillow into a mailbox.” Just kidding, never say that. Just ask and you should get a prescription, though you might have to do a few other tests just to make sure it isn’t something more serious. Maybe you can just tell the doctor you’ve been really stressed lately, or something. Make sure to give him or her a giant WINK at some point.

Or you could try one of those sketchy online pharmacies that spam is always talking about. I never thought those were real—I assumed they just took your money—but I have a non-health-insured friend who bought anti-depressants online and they seemed to work fine. That’s probably illegal? So, you know, IANAFIP (I am not a fake internet pharmacist).

The only real downside that I can foresee is the practical one of when and how you discreetly pop them. I know for me personally being told to hold up because Daddy’s got to take his boner pills would put a damper on the mood, but then again I don’t think I’m probably your type. You seem like a go-getting individual, I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Good luck with your drunken, coke-fueled fuck fests! And be safe! I guess!