7 Planks for the GOP to Consider Adding, Now That They’ve Accepted That Their Grandchildren Will Be Ashamed of Them

08/28/2012 11:45 AM |


Things are getting even more regressive even faster than anyone thought possible over in Republicanland. Men are letting any fool thing come tumbling out of their mouths during interviews. There’s a no abortions, no exceptions plank being added to their platform, and an anti-porn one being considered. (Good luck with that.)

I, for one, am happy to see that everyone is finally speaking their minds. No more dancing around or dog whistles, just straight up “I hope Black and Latino voters stay home on election day.” Why stop there, though? While you’re laying down planks that history is going to judge you harshly for, why not go all the way with it? Some suggestions:

1. Anti-Personhood
Why dick around with all this “personhood” stuff for fetuses, when what you really want to do is remove the personhood of the women who carry them around? Any woman who becomes pregnant immediately transfers all of her rights (and her vote) to the fetus (fetus votes to be administered by the nearest Republican congressperson). Oh, and gals? If you’re getting your period, go ahead and consider yourself pre-pregnant at all times.

2. Jordan Crow
This isn’t your dad’s Jim Crow! No way, that was completely racist! The GOP is committed to honoring diversity, and are happy to explain to you that they are not, in their hearts, racist. Under a new system of “Jordan Crow” laws, black and brown people would be invited to attend Republican campaign events and stand behind the candidates looking supportive, they would just not be allowed to speak, vote, or receive equal protection under the law. American citizens ONLY—papers required.

3. Anti-Global Warming Legislation
First of all, global warming isn’t happening. But second of all, even if it is, it shouldn’t be. Rising sea levels and unpredictable weather are bad for business. It’s not fair to the auto industry that gas is so expensive. North Carolina has the right idea on this one: we just make global warming illegal. And maybe legislate some more oil into Alaska.

4. Close Your Eyes and Cover Your Ears Until Gay People Go Away

It’s probably just a phase.

5. Man-Determined Rape
Women on the left keep talking about how the Republicans are trying to re-define rape. What they fail to understand is that the GOP is using the same definition they’ve always used: it is if he says it is. It’s pretty simple. A black man jumps out of the bushes and defiles a white lady? That’s rape. Everything else? Eh.

6. Bible Study in Lieu of Schools
Listen, the public school system is a mess, and teachers are just a bunch of money-grubbing union scum. Kids shouldn’t be learning about evolution, science, non-expurgated history, Harry Potter witchcraft satanism, gay studies, and DEFINITELY not sex ed. It would be better if they didn’t even look downstairs until after marriage (TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE!!!). Wouldn’t it be easier just shut the whole thing down and send the kids to bible study for a few years? It’s not like there’s going to be any jobs for them to do when they graduate anyway.

7. If It Can’t Be Killed By Drowning, Then Burn It at the Stake
I’m pretty sure the framers of the Constitution were anti-witch, and they are just everywhere these days.