Vaginal Vexations

10/24/2012 4:00 AM |

Dear Audrey,
I’m on this allergy medicine that dries up all my mucous membranes, which means that I don’t really get wet like I used to. My girlfriend is upset about it—she says “making someone wet” is one of her favorite parts of sex and that lube just isn’t the same. Am I a bad girlfriend if I don’t want to explore other allergy meds? This stuff is really helping me.

Arg, allergies! As a person with the worst sinuses, I feel for you. I think your lady needs to suck it up in this case—if you need something that dries up your mucous, this is inherently going to be a side effect, right? Do you have to stay on the medication over the long term? Maybe this is something to talk to your doctor about. Your body may just normalize after a while. If not, maybe you can come with some kind of little lube packet that you can put down there and break during foreplay, like a vampire Halloween blood packet? You can have this idea for free, sex shops.

If all else fails, remind her that her choice is a dry pussy or listening to you snore all night with your clogged-up sinuses. I can’t imagine a person who hates lube enough to lose sleep over it.

Dear Audrey,
I’m a straight woman, but I only like watching lesbian porn. Is that weird? Am I gay?

Shrug. You like what you like. Most of that stuff is straight chicks mugging for straight guys, anyway.

Dear Audrey,
I’m a recently divorced woman. I love everything about being divorced—except using condoms. Once you get used to not using them I guess it’s hard to go back. Every time I feel sore afterwards. Is there something I can do to make it better? Am I using the wrong kind? Forgive me, I married young.

Oh honey, how spoiled you are. You’ll get used to it. It’s not so bad. Experiment with different brands and kinds until you find the one you like best. There are so many kinds now! You might even want to go to a cool sex shop like Babeland and talk to the salesperson; they probably have even more exotic kinds than the drug store. Try something very thin and plain. You may find that all the “ribbed for her pleasure” business makes it feel that much more noticeable that there’s something in between you and your man friend.

Further, if you’re sore, that indicates to me that you are probably not using nearly enough lube. Or a lube that doesn’t agree with you, or something. Play around with combinations of things until you find the equipment you enjoy the most, and DON’T SKIMP on lube.

It’s also possible, if the sore is of the stinging or itching variety, that you have a sensitivity to latex. It might be worth picking up a box of the non-latex condoms and seeing if that makes a difference. Unfortunately, to conduct this research scientifically, you are required to have lots and lots of sex. I hope you can find the strength to get laid a lot, in the name of discovery.

And, uh, not to be presumptuous, but if you’re recently out of a long, not-working-that-great relationship, maybe you’re just not used to getting this much action? Just a thought. Gotta toughen up the ol’ vagina.

One Comment

  • Audrey – Tell the lady with the dry bits to try making ‘green smoothies’ which will cancel out her

    She can also incorporate some local honey or bee pollen which will bring her bodies’ defense back into balance, instead of freaking out over some pollen.

    Poor girl, we all deserve to get wet!