Hi there, I’m Lacy, your new sex correspondent, and right now I writing this between dry heaves.
Yesterday I went to an upscale restaurant in Carroll Gardens where the very handsome Argentinean chef took notice of my bare midriff and sent over his specialty—tongue. The brave taster I am I dug in heartily.
Later that night as he was giving me his other specialty tongue at his swank Clinton Hill apartment, I started throwing up. I am still throwing up.
This story proves two things: 1) I will do anything for tongue—including eating vomit-inducing tongue, and 2) I will write about it even when I’m suffering from the worst physical ailments. People have told me I’m like Joan Didion if she learned to masturbate. Ok, no one has ever said that, but I would love to get that reputation started. Most importantly, I’m more than willing to subject myself to humiliating dating scenarios with sadists and losers, and also confess my most private and embarrassing sex fears and habits for the sake of the readers. Anything for the story. So without further ado, let me share one such shameful moment…
Last year I broke up with my first love. After a couple months of rebound sex forced me to deal with my neglected emotions, I went to a very dark place. It was during this bleak time I began experimenting with a little something I call cyber cutting. Like picking a scab, tonguing a sore inside my mouth, or hacking at my inner thighs with a dull safety pin, I constantly refresh the browser of my world wide web wound. I don’t have physical scars, but I have a browser history I compulsively clear in case anyone uses my computer and comments on my secret embarrassing habit. Webster take note, this is my working definition:
Ha! That’s hilarious!
Haha! I still torture myself with my exes. It’s a horrible thing, but we all do it. Fuck Facebook. This is why I drink about it… also, fuck bars when your ex shows up with a date when you specifically ask him to never set foot in your local bar with a date EVER. Men are dumb…
excited for the new columnist, welcome lady!
Well…this is perfectly horrid.
One of my greatest accomplishments as a human has been to completely avoid any cyber-cutting after my last breakup. It made it a lot easier when my ex tried to choke me, but I digress…it’s the little things.